Organized Nincompoopery

Saddam's death.

2006-12-31T10:52:00.000-06:00

I was disappointed to see the video of his death. Well not so much in that he died, in fact I’m pretty glad he is dead but rather that in this commercial age his execution wasn’t sponsored by Oscar Meyer. Not even so much as a Casket donated by the fine folks at Hormel.

Oh well, I’ll just have to send a bouquet-o-bacon and my condolences.

Where are the seatbelts

2006-12-22T19:03:00.000-06:00

Red neck third row seating?

Dairy Queen's wording

2006-12-22T18:59:00.000-06:00

I don't care how good Dairy Queen says they are. I'm not eating anything with that name.

What's her secret?

2006-12-01T18:16:00.000-06:00

"She's a man baby! YA!"

found in the bathroom.

2006-12-01T18:12:00.000-06:00

Now that's a quality bathroom picture. It was hard to pee when I was laughing so hard.

The Rockford Files

2006-11-04T21:25:00.000-06:00

What is it and why am I not suprised I saw this in Rockford, Il.

It beats flipping burgers.

2006-10-27T15:00:00.000-05:00

“Reports to and receives assignments, instructions, and direction from the Foreman or General Foreman. Reads and interprets instructions and documentation and plans work activities. Operates company vehicles with capacity of up to 30 tons to move materials, tools, and equipment to and from work locations in support of construction and maintenance activities and/or deliver operating materials and supplies from one warehouse to another. Loads and unloads vehicles. Observes and follows all safety rules and procedures, including wearing required personal safety equipment. Performs other duties and activities as directed. Requires appropriate license. Typically requires 2 years of related experience. It should be understood that this position may be located in a hostile area and possibly in a combat or war zone. This could include the possibility of suffering harm at the hands of hostile forces or by friendly fire. It should be further understood that these dangers are inherent to work in a hostile environment.”
--Halliburton.com

Out of curiosity I went to the Halliburton website and poked around at some of the different ‘opportunities’ with the company for people like me qualified to drive big trucks. Yes this is stemming from my distain of Rockford, Illinios. How bad could Iraq be after delivering in Rockford. They are looking for people to drive tanker trucks of flammable liquids. Note the last three sentences. They would have pay me a truckload of money to strap myself into a vehicle carrying 10000 gallons of explosive fuel in a country where the pastime is kill the white guy. The plus side to this job is that if your truck does blow up, the 10000 gallons of fuel pretty much guarantee that you won’t feel a thing. Of course the down side to this job (other than dieing in a two hundred foot high fireball) is that if you ever came back to the states you couldn’t take pot shots out your window anymore, or have an RPG where the passanger seat should be.

"Famed" blogger,

Marketing Words

2006-10-22T12:51:00.000-05:00

By education I am clued in to this topic. I have a BA degree in Marketing. It’s also known as a BS in BS. I hate sales and marketing for one reason. It’s all a lie. It’s like telling Oprah she’s hot. Today’s marketing word of the day is “Professional”. I see it all over the place. Professional: Hockey player, hair stylist, driver, child painter. Well I don’t know about the last one. Let’s not forget too that we’ve all heard the phrase, “Trust me, I’m a professional.” What does that really mean? It means that whatever it’s referring to is your designated profession. What does that mean? That means it’s what you get paid to do. It doesn’t denote quality, training or qualification. It means that you got a buck to do it. When have we as Americans failed to see this? Were we too busy being pre-approved or something to not put two and two together? I heard the other day that whatever it was should be ‘left to the professionals’. Don’t be fooled. If they use this word in front of they’re title they probably shouldn’t be trusted, especially if they offer a “Free Estimate”. What’s an estimate? A Guess. Do you really get a deal if your guess is free? No! Who pays for a guess!?! “I could guess but it will cost you.” If you ever run into a “Professional Estimator” Shoot him in the head. The world will be better off.

To put this in the simplest terms, if someone says they’re a “Professional Coital Engineer” they’re really just a hooker. Be smart!

“famed” blogger,

The soda was gross enough.

2006-10-22T12:28:00.000-05:00

From the makers of Nicorette comes Jolt gum. Now get TMJ disorder in 8 minutes flat. First there was coffee, then came soda, then came red bull now this? Why not just try sleeping?

Bright ideas...

2006-10-22T12:24:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder why the kids at your school don’t trust you? Ever wonder why they run away screaming? Where do you even get a Viking helmet and mask? Dork….

It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown!

2006-10-22T12:20:00.000-05:00

Did Charlie Brown ever see the great pumpkin? At one of my routine deliveries I saw this one and one buried behind it that was twice as large as the one shown here. To give you some sort of reference the pallet it’s sitting on is four feet wide. What does a casino need with pumpkins that large?

Tit For Tat.

2006-10-22T12:19:00.000-05:00

I’ve had a rant brewing for a few days now. I haven’t had a chance to put pen to paper on it until now. That is to say now that it has fully ripened. I don’t rant too often but when I do it’s usually something about a topic/event that is wholly inconsequential to anyone but me. North Korea has the bomb, the Muslims are out to kill us, and Canada inches ever closer to an invasion yet none of these have pricked my mind in such a way as to make it itch and fester into a rant. Instead, I’m going to rant about my nipples. All week long I’ve been cursing the fate of my chesticles. It started about a year ago when I was playing ball with my dog and through the miracle of the fake out he lunged for the ball, missed it and chomped down dead on my nipple. I did post it on here shortly after it happened. I thought or rather prayed that that would be the only time my nipples would come under attack. I was wrong. I lived in peace for months until this past spring. It was a warm sunny day when I exited my vehicle. It was a tight parking space requiring me to stay close to the car. As I closed my car door the corner of the door came just close enough… You know why a lightning rod is put on top of a building? It’s because it will strike the closest object. As happens quite often I got a static shock from my car door. What are the odds that the corner of door would pass my nipple just in time to release a static discharge? Needless to say I flinched, enough to break the mirror of the Honda next to me. There was no damage to the nipple. Not that it really matters. The male nipple is like the French. They think they’re more important than they really are. The most recent however has me furious and frightened at the same time. A fella I was working with tossed me a package at work and I caught it where? In the nipple of course. Not in the general area. Not even close like horse shoes and hand grenades. It was dead on with precision that GPS couldn’t even match. I was worried that the military would show up shortly after and inquire into the make of the guidance system. Oh the pain, oh the torment. WHY! Why do my nipples take such abuse? Normal people stub their toes or lose a finger to an angry beaver! Why my nipples? I suppose it’s a good thing I have the name I do. One-nipple Jared doesn’t roll off the tongue like One-nipple Lou or Nick The-nipple-less (that almost sounds Greek). At one point in my life did that fates in the universe decide that this was my penance? What did I do to deserve this kind of Karmic retribution? Yes I’ve kicked a cat or ten in my life but I always leave the toilet seat down. I know most of you know what I look like but for those of you who don’t just know it’s me when you see a guy walking down the street with a Kevlar vest and sign that says don’t touch my nipples.

“famed” blogger,

Does Wal-Mart carry these?

2006-10-08T12:41:00.000-05:00

I wasn’t sure where to go with this picture, but I knew I had to take a picture and share it. No one would believe me if I told them I saw a purse like this one. I asked her if she gets asked out a lot. She looked kind of confused and asked, “What do you mean?”

Form your own conclusions.

“Famed” blogger,

Election Season Coverage

2006-10-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

The benefit of having a DVR on my satellite is that I don’t have to listen to political ads on TV anymore. It’s really a blessing because during the presidential election of 04 I developed an eye twitch over all the nonsensical “battleground” commercials. During the current midterm elections I’m able to enjoy my shows without wanting to climb a water tower, rifle in hand, over the same sort of commercials. Being so I ALMOST missed this little nugget of information. I found out that the position of Walworth County Coroner (you know…dead people) is an elected position. Sit with that one for a moment. The whole purpose of an election is to democratically appoint a person to a position to properly reflect the views of the constituency. Is that really necessary in the position of County Coroner? What kind of platform is he running on? What do his commercials sound like?
“On November 4 as you go to the polls to elect a Coroner remember me, John Winklemeyer. My opponent molests the dead and has tea parties with the corpses dressed as the Village People. So vote for the candidate who won’t molest your dead!”

“Good afternoon! I’m Kyle Sneed and I’m running for County Coroner. John Winklemeyer has spread lies about my adult onset necrophilia. It’s just that I care too much. It’s a good sort of flaw. My family values have been my moral compass in my career and I hope that you give me the opportunity to share them with the deceased. I also think John Winklemeyer might be a vampire. Vote for me on November 4.”

My crack research staff, at my request, investigated this situation and we found that the fella serving as Walworth County Coroner has been in office since 1960. At the age of 71 (soon to require his own services) he’s run unopposed in all but a few elections. Does that really surprise you? His age begs the question of how old is too old to perform autopsies? I would imagine it’s when you can’t tell the difference between doctor and corpse, but hey, more power to him. I just think it would be fun to run against him just for the debates.

“Famed” Blogger,

To my little sister

2006-10-08T11:27:00.000-05:00

Last weekend my sister and now brother-in-law were married. I wasn’t able to give them some advice that I thought might help them as they settle down into married life. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from Home Improvement or the Red Green show is that women appreciate a handy guy. Being able to get things done around the house is important. So Josh, if the need arises to turn a dish washer into a snow blower just buy her a shovel.

“Famed” (single) blogger,

"Crikey! He's a goner."

2006-09-10T12:02:00.000-05:00

Last week when I was updating my blog I heard that Steve Irwin had been killed. I can’t believe how many people over the course of this week have asked me if I’d heard or expressed to me the tragic loss it was. Gag me. I got into it with one of my customers. They really liked him and couldn’t believe what happened. I simply explained to them that people watched Marty Stouffer and Jack Hannah because they had cute cuddly animals and it was all warm fuzzy stuff. The Crocodile Hunter was to the Discovery Channel what Jack Ass was to MTV. Nobody tuned in to see Steve and his cute animals. We all stopped channel surfing long enough to see if THIS would be the episode where the croc won. My customer conceded that point. I just think it’s ironic that after poking crocodiles that many times it was a bloody fish that did him in.
The best of the worst lines I’d heard on TV so far was on Fox News. “If he had to die before his time, this is the way he would have wanted to go.” Really? I’m sure young Steve sat around with his friends when he was young or around the bar later in life and though, “You know, mates, if die on the job I just hope some bloody fish stabs through the heart.” I don’t know which was dumber, swimming with deadly animals in boots and khaki shorts or that writer for Fox News.
In my opinion this just brings to reality what everyone knows to be true. Steve Erwin went from the category of animal advocate along the lines of Jack Hannah to the category of moron the likes of Grizzly Man Timothy Treadwell, the guy who got eaten by the bears he “loved”.

Irwin always did preach survival of the fittest… Seems kind of relevant now doesn’t it.

“Famed” blogger,

I hate Rockford

2006-09-10T11:55:00.000-05:00

My job carries me many different places. Most annoyingly on Thursdays I travel to Rockford, IL to make my deliveries. There are always many marvelously strange things in Rockford. Once I saw a man dressed up like someone out of the Mortal Kombat video game sitting at a bus stop downtown. To give you an idea of the state of Rockford, one of the bars I deliver to has had the same cockroach, dead on his back laying in the same spot as it has been for the last six months I’ve been delivering there. Cleanliness is not an option. It seems every Thursday something sideshow-ish presents itself. It was auto week this week. I was enjoying an apple I brought with me the other day when I heard a deep rumble roll past me as I pulled up to the stoplight. Quick with the camera I snapped the picture you see here. I’m not very familiar with this brand/model so I looked it up. Little did I know that with one slip of the brake pedal would cost my company a half million dollars. I should have honked the horn at him for spite. I was fairly impressed. The freakish part of my day presented itself not more than ten minutes later when I passed a 2006 Charger tricked out like the General Lee. I wasn’t as quick with the camera but here is a picture of what I saw. After a little investigation I found out that quite a few of these models exist. I can ALMOST understand painting a 69 charger to the like but I think these are the kind of people that will bypass Tom Wopat altogether to stand in line for Shawn William Scott to autograph their collectors edition dvd. I only wonder if it’s superficial or do they have the horn and welded doors to match. Next time you’re at Wal-Mart and catch someone sliding across their hood out of the corner of your eye, go home and pray they’re not filming the sequel. I hate Rockford.
“Famed” blogger,

The typical stereotype

2006-09-03T13:23:00.000-05:00

Why is it that the most irrelevant, pointless pieces of information always become news? After most news broadcasts or clips I see while looking for something worth while in the news, my eyes bleed thinking I won’t ever get that time back. It’s my duty in turn to mock it. The scandal du jour is the TV show Survivor segregating (Am I allowed to use that word?) it’s tribes by race. They are, in no particular order: Black, Asian, Latino and Caucasian. On the surface I said, “Gosh, what’s less important than this? The Olsen twins?” I thought about it though. This completely changes the game as far as the odds makers are concerned. How will the gaming houses factor in the racial profile of the tribes into their odds. How are gamblers suppose to pick the winner since we’ve all learned not to judge people on appearances? Leave it to my shallow nature to lend some insight into this problem. Here is what I think will happen and who the smart money is on.

The Black tribe will come in to the competition under rated but ultimately won’t prevail. The assumption will be that their roots in the African bush may help them in the wild of the Cook Islands but too many years behind Jesse Jackson will have this tribe complaining about representation to the producers over poor living conditions.

The Caucasian tribe will flounder from the outset because of the lack of a Latino landscaping crew to care for the makeshift country club they erect on the island in an attempt to raise their self image.

The Asian tribe will come in a close second due to the heightened discipline level and exceptionally engineered shelter to protect them from the elements.

The Latino tribe is where the smart money is. Like the other tribes, five Latinos are dropped on the island but eight show up at the first challenge giving the tribe strength of numbers. Also, the strong background in agriculture will give them an advantage in farming food to sustain their growing numbers thus steam rolling the competition.

“Famed” blogger,

Duck and cover, we're all going to die!

2006-08-27T16:19:00.000-05:00

The end of the world may be upon us! Yes… There will be a convergence of two of the most powerful destructive vacuums in the universe and it’s about to be unleashed on Earth with unrestrained destruction! It is entirely possible that when this happens the universe will collapse in on itself being sucked through the epicenter of the coming event. September 29, 2006 will mark the opening of two storms that in the past have sucked beyond anything that has sucked before. On September 29 Kevin Costner and Ashton Kutcher will join forces for the combined efforts in the movie “The Guardian”. That just may suck so bad we’ll all die.

“Famed” blogger,

One Man's Trash?

2006-08-27T16:08:00.000-05:00

Seldom do I go out of my way because often enough these things seem to find me. I love to walk through flea markets to see what people are wasting a perfectly good Saturday trying to sell. Whether it be the NASCAR cutlery, like new but still with certificate of authenticity, to the second hand mismatched socks (gross) there is always something amazing. I had to take a picture of this because no one would believe it. I wouldn’t believe it. Who would lug a fire hydrant and broken pipe to a flea market? “Maybe this weekend Sue I’ll find that used fire Hydrant I always wanted!” Well, I had to inquire into the price because who wouldn’t want to toss an old fire hydrant into your neighbor’s yard. Unfortunately the fool wanted $130.00 for it. I think he’ll be lugging that thing to a few more shows even though he promised to throw in a free Anne Murray LP. Furthermore… where in the world did he get it? Another garage sale? I just thought of something great. Show up at Antiques Roadshow with this and see what they tell you. “Ya, my Great Great Grandfather died when he crashed his tin lizzy into this on the back from the bar in aught eight. Please tell me more about it.”

“Famed” blogger,

This is astronomical!

2006-08-27T15:54:00.000-05:00

This week I heard from more news outlets than I thought existed, reports of a conference in Eastern Europe where it was decided that Pluto was not a planet anymore. The more times I heard of it the more I got to thinking. How many scientists does it take to classify a planet? (There’s a joke in there somewhere…) Who headed up and organized this conference? It was probably some fanatic rejected astronaut with OCD that wanted an even number of planets. What kind of astronomer do you have to be to either drop what you’re doing or plan months in advance to attend THIS conference? “Finally the big questions will be answered! We must get to Prague!” As big as space is the classification of a planet we’re decades possibly centuries from actually visiting has got to rank in level of interest somewhere below the accomplishments of the Mir space station and the astro-physical flaws in the movie Spaceballs. Who Cares? We don’t even know if Starbucks is there yet. In response however, OPEC released a statement saying they don’t expect this news to affect gas prices. One thing is certain about Pluto, whatever it is, grabbing the headlines. Somewhere Paris Hilton is pouting.

“Famed” blogger,

Why I'm against graffiti.

2006-08-22T16:44:00.000-05:00

One of the exciting things about my job is that if I have ‘use the bathroom’ at work I get my pick from any number of customer’s bathrooms. I don’t have to settle for the same old john every time. Of course there have been times when I’ve elected to hold it due to the inspection of the premises, but it’s usually no different than the office throne room. I settled in one day recently and saw this and wept. It would be just our luck that in 7 million years alien archaeologists will unearth this as ‘early Earth drawings’ much the same way we uncovered drawings on a cave all of stick men chewing on a buffalo. Is this really the message that we want to send to aliens about our civilization many years from now? We’re the civilization that invented spray on hair, and one a day Herpes pills. God forbid they uncover a copy of the dictionary, Shakespeare or something. Of course worse yet they could uncover a print-out of my blog.

Note: I’ve left up to you the assumptions of the cranial capacity of ANYONE named “Skaggs”

Famed blogger,

Another great sign.

2006-04-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

I stopped... I looked all around... I sat under shade tree with some ice cream and contemplated the meaning on this sign. It's wisdom is beyond me.

My trip to St. Louis.

2006-04-08T12:07:00.000-05:00

and it was such a nice mall too...

This weeks picture

2006-03-06T13:15:00.000-06:00

Yes..... Yes it is.

Wardrobe 101

2006-03-06T13:11:00.000-06:00

Along my delivery route today I was made aware of this problem affecting many people.

This is just a friendly reminder... Ladies, or men for that matter, if you buy a pair of knickers because you like the pretty blue butterflies on them, please make sure you don't wear white pants over them.

"Famed" blogger,

Tale's from the road...

2006-02-25T18:20:00.000-06:00

This is an actual street sign in Milwaukee. I question though if anyone understands it. If people are dumb enough to drive through Chicago with a dozen pallets hanging off the back of their car (see previous post) this sign may cause them problems.

"Famed" blogger,

Junk in the trunk.

2006-02-15T17:08:00.000-06:00

While driving back from St. Louis today I saw this sporting chap driving down the expressway in Chicago. I felt like a sucker. I had fewer skids ON MY 48 FOOT TRAILER! I thought about blasting the air horn right behind him since he couldn't see out the rear window but I figured he's not long for this world anyways.

I'm suprised he doesn't have two more strapped to the hood.

"Famed" blogger

What's in your back seat?

2006-02-02T16:47:00.000-06:00

In the previous post I mentioned that I traveled to St. Louis. I am a delivery driver. I had to drive to St. Louis. It’s what I do. The boring and interesting thing about driving through Illinois is you get to see LOTS of other travelers. Most are the normal family of four in a mini van or what not but just as many are people just going from here to there. Sitting up in a semi truck I have a perspective of others that I hadn’t had before. I get to see in the back seat of the cars. I was really surprised at just how untidy peoples rear seats are. I spent two days marveling at it. Then I got to wondering just what was in the back seat of my pickup back home. I laughed to myself when I got home and actually looked. There was a sweat shirt, pair of shoes and a roll of Christmas wrapping paper....
...I know for a fact I never put a roll of wrapping paper in the back seat of my pick-up.
*shrug*

Canadian Travelers

2006-02-02T16:38:00.000-06:00

I spent an evening in the Hampton Inn in St. Louis this week. Shortly after I crawled into bed I noticed up on the wall about seven feet up was a sprinkler head with a sign under it. I read the sign and laughed for a good five minutes. I took a picture of it for your enjoyment. This was too good to not share with you all. The hotel I was at was a pretty upscale hotel. Yes, thankfully my company picked up the tab. Now you would think that traveling with clothes that needed to be hung up would be somewhat indicative of your IQ. Business travelers, etc. Of course I shouldn’t dwell on that assumption too much for I am a delivery driver and traveled without clothes that needed to be hung up. Anyways... You all know why that sign is there. Some Canadian at some point hung their new suit from the seven foot tall sprinkler head.

"Famed" blogger,

What?

2006-01-18T11:48:00.000-06:00

Today I saw a sign in the window of a Jimmy Johns Sandwich shop. A neon sign...an expensive neon sign that read:

Free

Smells

The magic of gun shows

2005-12-18T16:19:00.000-06:00

You know you're in the presence of unique Americans where bazooka's and RPG's can be purchased over the counter.

....Now THAT's deer hunting...

"famed" blogger,

Today I saw:

2005-12-13T15:39:00.000-06:00

If I didn’t have my camera NOBODY would believe it. I wish I could have got a clearer shot of this truck. I doubt on your own examination will you find what is funny about this picture. Truckers have long since had the bad habit of naming their trucks. This is a prime example why they shouldn’t do it. Note the bug guard on the front. The name of this truck (from West Virginia mind you) is "Panty Snatcher". Nothing screams professionalism quite like jumping in the old "Panty Snatcher" and going to work.

It sounds more like a misdemeanor than a truck. And here I thought it was going to be a slow week at work.

"Famed" blogger,

Say what?

2005-12-05T15:01:00.000-06:00

My friend stopped mid-sentence today to tell his little girl,

"don't throw the dog."

That was funny.

"Famed" Blogger,

Who's the infidel now?

2005-12-05T14:56:00.000-06:00

My brain is about to explode! People, myself included are grumbling and complaining about gas prices. Most of America like me do not want to pay so much for gas. HOWEVER.... If you look on Ebay, the new Xbox 360's are selling for almost 4 figures which is like 700 dollars more than what they retail for. Dollars to Donuts says those same people that bid on those machines so they can play the latest edition of WWE wrestling NOW are complaining about gas prices. Now switching to the Middle East where in Dubai last week a new resort opened up. There is no sand at this resort. It’s a Ski Resort. They made an indoor ski resort in the middle of the dessert. I don’t get it. Obviously someone spent more money than they should have to put this up. If these people, who it was reported have never touched snow before, are so eager to do a face plant ("Ala's Beard that's cold!") in the snow learning to snowboard than use that money to go somewhere real. That has real snow! And the chair lift isn’t camel operated!

I suppose I shouldn’t be to surprised at this. What else are you going to do with 8 billion dollars when you live in the middle of the worlds litter box.

"Come Muhama! Let us fly my jet to London and buy some ski's so we can come back here and ski!"

My only question is whether they wear those head towel things while going down the hill?

"Famed" blogger,

Bring back Pat Sajak's talk show!

2005-11-21T15:44:00.000-06:00

Ya that one, remember? Your right, maybe not. About the time Hall brought about his tall hair cut and barking Pat Sajak tossed his hat into the talk show scene. What made me think of it? I love visiting my grandparents if for no other reason to upset their neighbors. Seemingly every time I go there all the folk (minus my grandparents) are gathered around the lounge TV’s watching the latest batch of contestants fall prey to bankruptcy on Wheel of Fortune. I actually have a pretty good record of solving the puzzles before they do. I’m not saying I’m better than them at that but rather that maybe I’m the only one who knows what we’re even watching. Whenever I do blurt out the answer I usually attract all sorts of looks as if the next time I do that I might get a cane, girdle or dentures thrown at me. There’s something about Wheel of Fortune though that intrigues me other than Vanna White’s aging skills. I keep looking every so often hoping they might some day replace her with a monkey or some other poo throwing animal. It’s not like that job requires even union level skills. I always hated the end of the episodes though. The final round always ticked me off. Over the years they seem to be getting harder and harder. Pretty soon it’s going to be something like an obscure Albanian slang term for turnips under the category of "Words used by Paul Newman". All that aside I would become a devoted watcher of that show If I could see one thing. That is the actual reaction of the contestants when they lose. Every time it’s the same thing, the head tips up and they all say "oooooohhhhh." Just once I would like to see the truth come out of someone and launch into a tirade of expletives over the loss and maybe a grab for pat’s tie or hair piece. Or maybe seeing Vanna yell, "Security!" while the crowd in Springer fashion chants, "Sajak! Sajak! Sajak!" Just one bad sport! One poor loser isn’t too much to ask, is it?

I won’t even get into Jeopardy....

"Famed" blogger,

(Please note: I care so little about Pat Sajak and Vanna White I don't know if I spelled their names correctly. It wasn't worth the effort to look up. If I spelled it correctly, good. If I didn't, GOOD!)

Today I saw...

2005-11-21T15:43:00.000-06:00

I’ve been thinking of what new and mysterious segment I wanted to create to reflect the nincompoopery permeating my current job as a truck driver. It struck me! Hey, I’ve seen all sorts of weird things so far in my exploits as a driver. There it is folks, "Today I saw..."

...an Indian guy teaching his wife how to drive ( the turban was a dead give away).

That brought up an interesting question to me. What’s the purpose of a turban? I don’t think it’s a religious thing like a Yankees hat or anything. It’s certainly not practical at keeping the rain and sun out of your face? And why is it that only Indian men wear them? What about other nationalities too? What about the Italians? They don’t have cultural head gear do they? The French wear the beret *snicker*, Russians the big beaver fur hats, English the bowler, Latinos the sombrero or Dodgers ball cap. What about the Italians? *sigh* who knows.

anyways that’s what I saw today.

"Famed" blogger,

Got Trailer?

2005-11-16T18:24:00.000-06:00

I’ve really had fun at work so far. It’s amazing what I’ve seen and heard in the course of this week alone. for instance, I went out training with my boss on a route on Monday and I did ALL the driving. That’s cool, I prefer it that way so I can control the radio because I don’t like country music. He and I pulled up to one stop and he said and I quote, "Stop here and I’ll back door you so you can pull in." How do you respond to that? Well, being the person that I am I said the first thing that came to my mind when he realized what he said, "How ‘bout you just open the trailer doors and I’ll consider myself flattered?" Ya there’s nothing like establishing a good working relationship with your boss. Even driving down the road I see things that are just silly. All over Chicago are lawn signs like you put in your yard around election time. These signs though advertise a dating service for people age 45 and over. Now think about this. What’s the difference between calling that number and the "for a good time number" on a bathroom stall? And people wonder how identity theft happens and how Canadians procreate . You see what I get to experience on my job? It’s just great. As time wears on and I log more miles I’m sure that you all will hear all about the antics of the road.

"Famed" blogger,

Hooray for NAFTA!

2005-11-11T17:38:00.000-06:00

With my new job I get to see a side of the food business that I’ve never seen before. We deliver groceries to all different kinds of eateries, cafes, bars, etc. I now have a list going of the places to stay away from by how much ash the smoking cook has allowed in his food. Some places I wouldn’t have thought clean were actually pretty good. Some higher end places I wouldn’t go to for fear that I might step on a roach or something. I will say this though. 99% of all the places we delivered to so far, were staffed by Mexicans. I’m begining to wonder if there is such a thing as American food anymore, or any type of food for that matter. Wouldn’t it all be Mexican food? I supose it seems strange like seeing an asian cooking at a Mexican place but the more places I deliver to the more I come to expect it. I have no problem with it. In fact I really have to complement the people I’ve seen. It didn’t matter if they were cooking, cleaning or sorting the forks fresh from the dishwasher, they all worked excedingly hard at whatever they were doing. The only thing I couldn’t stand was the radio. I swear I heard Spanish Polka music the other day. Other than that I was really impressed by how hard everyone was working. But after failing many times so far at breaking the language barrier I had to wonder whether it was less dangerous to yell fire in a crowded theater than to yell imigration in a kitchen.

Order Up!

"Famed" blogger,

Change in season.

2005-11-11T17:26:00.000-06:00

The other day I was driving down the road at night and I saw that someone had put up their Christmas lights already. I supose it’s that time of year again to start thinking about it but I couldn’t swallow that Halloween just got over. Isn’t it a little funny that in the same weekend American’s take down the decorations celebrating death, dismemberment, and general horror and put up the decorations celebrating brotherly love, the spirit of giving and Christ’s birth? I along with everyone understand and appreciate the decorations for Christmas but I’ve never understood halloween. When I was kid I lost interest in halloween when I realized I could buy candy year round at the corner store. Since then it’s always stuck me as the odd duck of holidays. There’s new years celebrating new beginings and drinking, St. Patricks day with just drinking, the fourth of July and our nations independance and drinking, and then halloween’s promotion of mass murders singing the Canadian national anthem. Especially these days with a generally hieghtened sense of fear with terrorism, criminals and Canadians running around. Yet in spite of that we all celebrate fear once a year by making a family event out of producing a reasonable reproduction of a bloody skull, zombie, or in some cases the govenor of Newfoundland. What are we teaching our kids? Stay away from strangers with candy, witches with big warts, and Katie Couric unless it’s October 31?

"Mom? Is this enough blood?" "Yes dear, but add some of this to make it more gross."

At least the Christmas marketing season is here.

"Famed" blogger,

Dummies beware.

2005-11-06T14:17:00.000-06:00

I was in line at the grocery store the other day and I saw this staring back at me between Katie Holms cover of Scientology Today and the latest issue of Cosmo. Truer words were never spoken. What’s next? Shoe tying for dummies? Q-tip usage for dummies?

Stupid Canadian textbooks…

“Famed” blogger

Back to work.

2005-11-04T16:32:00.000-06:00

I started work yesterday. I’m now an active contributor to the government through my taxes again. I am now a delivery driver. The pay is great, the people are, well truck drivers and the days are interesting. Since we deliver food to the food service industry I’ve seen a side of eating that I thought I never would. I found out yesterday that it isn’t just my old school but that many places follow the same practice. You see when I was in college I figured we were just special but yesterday I found out that at the University of Wisconsin Whitewater cafeteria the garbage and the food use the same door as well.

"Famed" blogger,

Are those real?

2005-11-04T16:25:00.000-06:00

Can anyone explain to me the virtue of fake plants? I’m not talking about the really expensive frilly one’s you buy because you want your wedding bouquet to last through a nuclear winter, I’m talking about ordinary fake indoor plants. You’ve all seen them scattered around doctor’s offices, reception areas, and tattoo parlors. Why do they exist? Why is it anytime I see fake plants these day’s they have a coating on them so deep the fly’s are making dust angels. I’m sure you’ve always wondered where dust bunnies come from. I think they’re just an avalanche of dust off a fake houseplant. As strange as my life is, I seem to find myself in these places more and more lately. Is it a nature thing? Are people calmed or have a happier sense of environmental stewardship by seeing a representation of something green among the endless engineerings of concrete that is the city? Or is it something of a try at class for an office, shop, bar or obstetrician? Furthermore, why don’t fake plants have expiration dates? You certainly don’t keep egg shells on display for years and years, why would you want a plant with half it’s leaves long since pulled off by a hungry three year old? I propose that a general rule of thumb be printed and tagged to new faux foliage purchases, "If the wicker basket it’s ‘planted’ in is decaying around it, it’s time for to send it back to nature." Now that I think about it, how does one sell fake plants to stores? Are their fake plant catalog claiming the latest in replicate technology or promoting the polymer of the month? Do they have an annual photo issue with high gloss pictures of the plastic plants? Are there different grades like low medium and high except more like: "Denny’s smoking section quality all the way up to bank lobby quality? Who designs them? Like Dyson did some Dutch plastic garbage bin engineer decide to diversify his product line and test his skills on creating the most Euro looking plants on the market today? Certainly the cost of labor in America is too high to produce these economically stateside so I’m sure they’re manufactured in a Malaysian sweat shop next to the Mary Kate and Ashley ‘work center’. "Ok everyone, we’re not doing Nikes today, we’ve got plastic plants to crank out." If that’s the case, someone has to take time out of their day to arrange the customs documentation, import shipping and all around logistics of products that will soon enough be displayed semi-deliberately next to the Virginia Slims poster at your neighborhood 7-eleven. Save your money, buy a Pink Floyd poster instead.
"Famed" blogger,

The four P's: Product, Price, Place, Promotion

2005-10-27T21:51:00.000-05:00

Since we’re on the subject of Television I got to thinking about some more of the commercials I see way too often. This one in particular is for the Dyson vacuum cleaner. I’m sure you’re all aware of the Swedish engineered vacuum miracle vacuum. These commercials are just too similar to car commercials. Remember when Nissan catered to the societal snobs by gracing us with the Infiniti brand? Jonathan Pryce came out onto the black set and described just how miraculously engineered some obscure component of the car was? Euro-trash ate it up with their lattes making Infiniti what it is today. These Dyson commercials are the same thing and I get a cramp in my cranium whenever I see these commercials because after all it’s a vacuum! Some Swede spent his engineering prowess on an industry that gave us such marvels as the Dust Buster, and the Flowby Hair Trimmer. Of all the inventions and all the potential development of third world countries (and Canada) that much effort was put into a vacuum cleaner that costs three times as much as anything else. Forget advancements in fuel economy, higher electrical conservation rates of toasters, safer internet security, and a more ergonomic ball point pen the world needs to get cat hair off the carpet for a higher price! The Dyson commercials are just the latest of the premium sales pitches that involve a salesmen with an accent from some European country. Why is it that people think something is premium quality if a limey pitches it? If said premium image has been applied to a vacuum cleaner is it safe to assume that it will be applied to other things of lower relevance? Door knobs? Push brooms? Socks? Spiral notebooks? "Put your trust in the French Notebook! The Swiss do!"

Why?

I see Dyson vacuum cleaners quite often in the stores now so I assume they’re capturing a decent market share. They must since Foot Locker started carrying them. A good product will sell but a well marketed product, regardless of quality will sell better. Are people buying into the pitch of the worlds most well engineered vacuum? Do people push these around the living room with a better sense of well being? Are buyers shallow enough to brag about their Dyson as if they just rolled into the country club for the first time in their Mercedes or Infinity?

I have a Dirt Devil and a dog that sheds. They both do their job.

"Famed" blogger,

Stale Programing.

2005-10-27T20:29:00.000-05:00

Oh, where to begin? Being in a small town and having greatly diminished disposable income I’m forced to occupy my time with cleaning my apartment, counting my fingernails, giving my dog a bath, or the subject of this post watching television. Between the intrigue the Evil Stephano brings to Days Of Our Lives, the countless useless disposable gizmos on the Home Shopping Network to Kelly Ripa’s annoying self, there is a lot of programing that is worth shockingly less than C-Span’s exciting coverage of the Senate roll call. To illustrate this point, ESPN Classic showed a bowling rerun from like 1973. Cable access hair removal demonstrations could draw a bigger audience. I came across two things this week though that just made me turn the TV off and go back to counting my fingernails. First I was flipping past the 17th televised Texas Holdem tournament when I happened across the "climactic" scene and credits to the fading twilight of Jean Claude Van Dam's career (there’s a comeback opportunity we hope never happens. Even the Surreal Life has their standards). As the credits to Lionheart spooled I noticed a disclaimer that you’ve all seen before where in the characters in the movie were not based on actual people and any resemblance is purely coincidence. I’m sure some legal school graduate put that in there because you know there are three Arkansas hill jacks that will claim that it was their life story they filmed. What it should have said was, "This movie is a work of formulaic nonsense and no actors were injured in the filming of this movie because none were used...and we’re sorry it looks so French." Off went the TV and I got to ten fingernails before I started recounting. Maybe I missed one. It happened on Thursday.

The other vomit inducing incident stemmed from the over saturation of trivia and trivial information on anything Hollywood. "During the filming of this movie, Cameron Diaz only drank Dasani bran water." "Tom Cruise really is off is meds according to a close source." Ya, it’s sad. This one involved on of my favorite actors, and by favorite I mean just slightly worse than the likes of Paul Reubens. I don’t recall if it was either an A&E biography or maybe I overheard it on the TV Guide Channel when I was looking for the one channel I wasn’t going to see Melissa Rivers on. The narrator mentioned that Kevin Costner won’t ever be seen in a sequel because he refuses to do sequels. *sigh* Now I know that if Shaq can get a movie deal or three than anything is possible but looking back over Costner’s film career what on Earth are they going to do sequels to?

Waterworld 2: Sea sickness at the box office?
Dances With Wolves 2: Opening the Casino?
Bodyguard 2: Bobby Brown’s Revenge?
Field of Dreams: Soybeans and Hockey? (If you freeze it they will skate!)
Robin Hood: Back in spandex?

Even Al Queda wouldn’t want to see America plagued with a sequel to "The Postman".

Off went the TV and out came the fingernails.

"Famed" blogger,

Truth In Advertising.

2005-10-26T11:07:00.000-05:00

I know everyone has seen them but I’m really getting tired of the body spray commercials from Tag, Axe, etc. Who in their right mind would even think that such results as women piling on top of you flinging clothes off left and right would be the result of a product from an aerosol can? Think about that for a minute. Today’s aerosol products are what? Hair spray, room deodorizer, oven cleaner and now body spray. Very few things in this world could come close to causing the results in those ads and they’re not sold in multiple product ‘Value Packs’ at Wal-Mart for $3.79. The unfortunate part is that due to wishful thinking by the 18 year old population of this country these products will no doubt sell like hot cakes. After all why reach for the cologne in a pretty bottle? Your girl deserves better! That’s why you class yourself up with a spray can?

"Famed" blogger,

The creative gene

2005-10-17T11:30:00.000-05:00

I might have a clue as to where I get my creative insights. A while back my mom told me about a problem she was having in the bathroom. Not that kind of problem. She’s trying to paint around the shower but the paint won’t stick to the silicone caulk around the edge and it was leaving a ragged seam that looked bad. My mom spent a month trying to devise a way to even the seam to make it look better. She called countless professionals on such matters and came up empty handed. Whatever she tried she couldn’t get the paint and the caulk to even out. Low and behold the other day she called me into the bathroom and there was a perfect seam running down the length of the shower stall. Not a straighter line could be found in a three county radius. "How did you do it?" I asked.

"Four bottles of white out."

Where she got the idea nobody will never know but we tested it. It doesn’t dissolve in water, it sticks to caulking and can be painted over.

problem solved?

"Famed" blogger,

Surgically speaking...

2005-10-17T11:20:00.000-05:00

The last things you want to hear as the last thing you hear before the anaesthesia puts you out.
"Today’s just not going well for me."
"Now where did I put my glasses."
"I’m hungry."
"Fine time to get the shakes."
"FIRE!"
"Don’t worry, this happens all the time."
"Who farted?"
"So what did the police have to say?"
"Uh oh I forgot to wash my hands. Oh well."
"The feds are here! Run!"

Now I know why dogs don't like to go to the vet.

2005-10-12T14:02:00.000-05:00

For those of you holding a vigil for my employment situation my efforts in finding a job have paid off. I will be a delivery driver for McLane food service. McLane is a distribution company that services KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell and Panera Bread. The short version of my job description is a school bus driver for burritos. I can’t exactly start tomorrow though. As most driving jobs require, a thorough background check and the Department of Transportation physical and drug test. That is the subject of today’s post. For some reason it always happens to me. If I were John, I would have had the most attractive nurse ever to enter the profession. Seeing as I am NOT John, my nurse was different than the average nurse. Keep that in mind as the story unfolds. I’ve had a number of DOT physicals in the past and I’m sure most of you have had a physical done at some point or other for some band trip or post surgical skydiving. This one clearly stood out of the crowd. It all started with the drug test. The scrub clad nurse comes through the waiting room door and announces my name only to do a double take when I stand up and walk toward her. She grinned and greeted me pointing to the room to go to. While in the mini-waiting room for the drug test she was filling out her papers and blushingly she asked me if I ever watched NCIS on CBS Tuesday evenings. After I cautiously said yes, she asked me, "I can’t think of his name but do you know who the detective is on that show?" I said, "Mark Harmon?" "Yes! That’s him, you remind me a lot of him." "Mam, he’s like 20 years older than I am, grey hair and no glasses. Are you sure you haven’t confused him with the pudgy janitor or something?" Smiling she said, "You just remind me of him that’s all. Pee in this, don’t flush." "Ok." Thank goodness she didn’t follow me into the bathroom.

It only got worse when she escorted me to the exam room.

Before the doctor comes in for the exam the nurse always does the preliminary pre approval for the exam. You know making sure the paper work is in order, envelopes licked, stamped, etc. Just for the record I hate tongue depressors. Well, after asking me a battery of questions ranging from family genetic history to the chemical composition of Oatmeal she said, "And the company is requiring a hair sample." "Uh... ok." Now for those of you who don’t know me, I have short hair because it’s easy and I’m gearing up for the inevitable end result of my hair loss. In other words I don’t have much up top. Seeing my bewilderment over the prospects of a further patchy scalp she very compassionately optioned, "Well, we can use chest or underarm hair if you like. I don’t believe there will be enough on the top of your head." "Oh what a relief." (Note the sarcasm.) "Well, which would you prefer." "I’d rather not walk around with ONE shaved arm pit. With a little work I can just even out the hedge later." "Ok."

Ladies and gentlemen, I look like Steve Carrel from 40 year old virgin.

It wasn’t so bad, she was just really really chatty. I don’t really remember much of what she said, I was more concerned that she was focused on what she was trimming. Shortly after that fun (again, note the sarcasm) the doctor came in and did the exam. After the ‘fun-with-nurse’ the exam hardly seemed worth it. He was a rather odd doctor too. He seemed more like a guy who thought he was funnier than he was. Thinking I might get the "real" exam if I didn’t laugh at his cab driver joke I humored him for the sake of brevity.

I’m just glad I don’t have to go back for another two years.

"Famed" blogger,

Hannah knows what I'm talking about.

2005-10-11T17:56:00.000-05:00

Ever since I refused to wear jelly bracelets the first time they were in style I have hated fads. I am proud to say that I have never worn the one glove, parachute pants, a push up bra, or a Members Only jacket. As much as it pains me to admit it I did peg my pant legs back in the day. *pause for laughter* The older and crankier I get the more I hate fads. I am sick to death of Texas holdem tournaments and what would Lance Armstrong do bracelets. "Live strong man!" Whatever... What sickens me more is the latest fad to hit the marketplace. I can’t seem to go three minutes of channel surfing through freakish surgery shows and LA Law reruns without hearing something about ball room dancing. Why on God’s green Earth would I want to watch Evander Holifield or what’s his face from New Kids on the Block (never was a fan) ball room dance? Who cares at all about ball room dancing? At least with figure skating, football, hockey, or lawn darts spectators have at least a vague notion of what they’re seeing. In other words, they know a good or bad play when they see one. Nobody ball room dances anymore so no one knows anything about the competition of it. "Hey! They can’t do that! They’re dancing to Kentucky rules! That’s no fair! Throw the flag!" Why is it that nobody knows about ball room dancing? Oh ya, because nobody liked it before John O’Hurley got his groove on. I know nobody liked ball room dancing before this because, well, when was the last time anyone was in a ball room? I’m going to go nuts if I start seeing ads for Sister Fanny’s ball room dancing lessons on cable access channel 32. And If I ever hear the words grudge match again in conjunction with the ‘sophisticated’ arts of ball room dancing I’m going to huck a rock at something. Seriously. I hate fads.

"Famed" blogger

The Lame Salesman Game.

2005-10-11T17:17:00.000-05:00

I love going to the mall. If it’s something in the window of a store or someone walking down the aisle there is always something interesting there. I wasn’t really there for a specific purpose, I just had an afternoon to kill and I hadn’t been there in some time. I had forgotten how much fun sales people were. I was walking down the mall and the cell phone kiosk lady asked me if she could get me a free phone today. After I said, if it were ACTUALLY free you wouldn’t have a job. Got one thanks, don’t need another. I think that this lady and her compatriots selling their wares to traffic in the mall must hear some good excuses not to stop. I was half way through pondering that when I made eye contact with a kiosk salesman in cheap pants and a bad comb over. I thought this must be the guy who got laid off at the fake vomit factory. In his best used car salesman voice he asked me, "Sir? How are the windows in your house?" In the half second it took me to respond I thought, "How dare he assume that I was a home owner." It was his unlucky day. He missed this sale by a mile. I stopped dead in my tracks, scratched my ear as I scrunched up my face portraying deep thought at his question. "You know I think they’re all closed, but it’s rather cold out today so I’d better go check. Have a nice day." I think his bewildered look told me he was going to scratch that opening line from his repertoire.

"Famed" Blogger

Help Wanted

2005-10-10T18:24:00.000-05:00

Now that I am looking for a new job I’ve been searching the papers, internet and bathroom stalls for good job leads. I saw this one today and thought it my duty to report on the posting. The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel posted in it’s Sunday edition a want ad for a Tree Climber. It read:

Tree Climber
Experienced. Must have own equipment
and vehicle. Ph. 414-331-1266

What are the qualifications? What sort of training do you need for climbing trees? What sort of equipment do you need to climb trees? Shoes? A climbing shirt? I’m surprised they left out, "Must wear pants on the job."

"Famed" Blogger

Driver's Ed: Day Ten

2005-10-09T18:52:00.001-05:00

I passed. I have my license now. However it came with a price. Let me put it this way, if a blue Saturn cuts you off and stops in front of you and you have to hit the brakes don’t yell out "Take evasive action Mr. Sulu!" The state examiner doesn’t like that.

Driver's Ed: Day Nine

2005-10-09T18:52:00.000-05:00

When I get out of here my new project will be researching truck manufactures. Because there is something about these trucks that cause people to totally evacuate safety and reason from their head for a complete reversion to full on Canadianism. Today a soccer mom in a minivan full of kids pulled into oncoming traffic blindly to make a right hand turn in front of another semi in front of her stopped at an intersection. I think Darwin was/is hot on her tail. I bet three of those kids in that van had been beaten at one point like we all were for running with scissors. I think I will carry a bucket of rocks in my truck that have little "drive safely" stickers on them for the occasion that I have to give motorists a dumb driving penalty that is a cracked windshield.

Driver's Ed: Day Eight

2005-10-09T18:49:00.000-05:00

The job of substitute teacher in school was always filled by the one guy who thought John Lennon died for the sins of the world or by the one woman who just got out of prison. That was my school district anyway. A substitute drivers ed teacher is much the same in terms of looser-dom. Jerry was off teaching others the fine art of cursing and we were stick with Bill. I’m sure South African Chicken Breeders could command more respect than this guy. That afternoon in class I had the unfortunate privilege to sit in on this conversation. I should never have opened my mouth.

(After noticing each other was wearing cowboy boots.)

James the student: "I see you’re a cowboy too?"

Bob the Sub: "I got a pair of boots when I was five and I’ve been wearing them since!"

What Jared thought: "No self respecting horse would let you climb up there..."

What Jared said: "My you had big feet when you were five."

Bill the sub: "Ha Ha, These are only a year old."

James the student: "I love mine, they fit great and they’re good year round!"

Jared the nincompoop: "I got a pair of cowboy boots when I was five too. For Christmas in fact. I wore them out once and kept slipping because they don’t have tread on them. I haven’t considered them since."

Bill the sub: "That’s why you put a sole on it." (Showing me his)

Jared the nincompoop: "I’ll stick the shoes I don’t have to get fixed upon purchase."

I don’t think either of them liked me after that.

Driver's Ed: Day Seven

2005-10-09T18:48:00.000-05:00

It has been a long time since I have worked in the transportation industry. Truck drivers swear. Frequently, passionately and eloquently. Each person stringing together profanities that make Eddie Murphy take notes. It’s amusing to hear these and wonder how they came to think a monkey could do that. In particular my drivers Ed instructor. Jerry was not only a former truck driver but and Army Drill Instructor for 15 years. I’m convinced that sixty plus years ago when the doctor slapped him after birth to induce breathing Jerry turned to the doctor and christened a life long love affair with four letter words. Now I’m not saying Jerry is an awful individual. He actually was a pretty good instructor and had a pretty good sense of humor. In retrospect he did look amazingly like George Carlin. All I can say after spending two weeks in a truck listening to the things that came out of his mouth is I didn’t know camels and peanut butter had so much in common.

Driver's Ed: Day Six

2005-10-09T18:47:00.000-05:00

Anyone who has seen Smokey And the Bandit, Dukes of Hazard or Princess Diaries 2 knows two things. First Whoopie Goldberg was funnier when sh had eyebrows and secondly every truck driver needs a nickname for radio usage. As much as I detest the CB culture I guess there is no denying that I fall into that category. I have there for found two methods to which adequate CB "handles" can be chosen. First, take the brand of one animal and slap it onto another. For instance, "Grizzly Squirrel", "Bottle Nose Beaver", "Snapping Clam", or the "Beluga Canary". The second method is to take a city you’ve never been to and tack on a profession. For instance: the "Phoenix Obstetrician", the "Kalamazoo Shingler", the "Denver bottler, and the "Omaha Whale Spotter". Whatever. Given the absurdity of it all I have no idea what I’ll call myself if not the Rabid Canadian.

Driver's Ed: Day Five

2005-09-30T16:23:00.001-05:00

Definitions:

Four Wheeler- (Pronunciation: fôr- hw l r, w )- Conveyance

Instructor: “Take that corner slower next time! Any faster and you would have gotten that four-wheeler stuck in your grill!

Student: “The what?”

Instructor: “The Honda! The red Honda that you just cut off!”

Driver's Ed: Day Four

2005-09-30T16:23:00.000-05:00

Finally we’re out on the road getting our practice in and as we did so we passed quite often a sign in Columbus Wisconsin (population 4000) that promoted the Christopher Columbus museum. The third time we drove past it I couldn’t help but wonder what could possibly be in the Columbus Wisconsin “Columbus” museum. Could it be that this small town got their hands on an artifact of ole’ Chris’ that somehow was missed by or far to grand to be contained by the Smithsonian, National Archives, or the 27 claims to fame in Columbus Ohio? Or might this be another Death Valley National Park/ Tourist Flypaper? Who pays for, polices, and promotes the collection of pictures of antique flatware brought to the new world on the Santa Maria? More importantly, who travels to Columbus Wisconsin for the museums? What they aught to do to promote it is this sign on the interstate, “Attention hunters, bikers and illegal immigrants! Come see the Columbus museum! We have beer and fried cheese!

Driver's Ed: Day Three

2005-09-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

The cowboy boot made popular by cowboys and the cast of Bonanza has really evolved. The dynamic versatility of said footwear has grown beyond ranch hands to incorporate many professions including mine. I am glad though that they will continue to be called cowboy boots because truck driver boots would not only lose the mystique but add an element of concern along the way. I don’t not for one intend to purchase any pointy toed boots regardless of nomenclature. I’m a purist. Cowboy boots belong on Cowboys and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders. Commercial vehicles are not equipped with stirrups so I’ll stick with my Dr. Martins.

Driver's Ed: Day Two

2005-09-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

In most if not all Hierarchal systems rank of some sort delineates placement at all levels. The best example of this is the military. From Private on up chevrons, bars and stars separate ranks. In academia it’s a little different but the spirit is the same. Instead of insignia it’s a title. Usually the longer the title OR a high syllable per word rate means the bigger the guru. At Driver’s Ed it’s not the title size that shows rank but rather the size of the pork chops. My fellow students and I are just entry level thus with minimal sideburns. I don’t know exactly what the protocol is but I swear I saw someone salute the fella that was walking around there looking like President Arthur.

Driver's Ed: Day One

2005-09-30T16:19:00.000-05:00

You know you’re in the company of kings and statesmen when educational facility rules spell out clearly in writing rule number six:

“6: General Cleanliness”

Upon further clarification they expect students to, and I quote, “Take a shower once and a while.” That must be the first step in putting the P in Professionalism.

Definitions

2005-09-21T14:23:00.000-05:00

SUV- See also “German yard care”

On the way back from the bakery today I was stopped at an intersection in an upscale neighborhood. This lady drove her Volkswagon SUV in front of me accross the intersection. She was dragging no less than ten feet of under brush clinging to the back bumper. Is that technically more embarrassing than trailing toilet paper out of the bathroom onbakery today I was at a 4 way stop in an affluent part of town. A lady drove her VW Touareg across your shoe?

Concerning Midgets

2005-09-21T14:00:00.000-05:00

One of my long standing movie rules for a comedy is that if it has a midget in it it will be funny. I’m really fascinated with midgets mainly because I stand anywhere between 6’1” and 6’4” depending on which gas station I’m leaving. Either way I’m average tall and have no problem with the world around me unless I’m climbing into the back of my friend’s sports car. Then it’s like a yoga tournament. That’s probably where they got the idea of a yoga mat from. They just pulled the floor mats out of the back seat of a BMW. Anyways, the other day I went into the gas station to pay for the gas (for the record I was 6’3” there) and a midget fella popped up on a ladder behind the counter like a whack-a-mole. It’s a good thing the plexi-glass kept me from slapping him down. That would have been embarrassing. When I thought about it though I was impressed with him. He overcame his height and is functioning well among the big folk. To this day though I still wonder how he filled the slurpy machine. His working there made me wonder what midgets do for a living considering the world is obviously geared for the higher statured. I have to think that there are plenty of jobs out there that midgets would excel at. How about a race car driver or jockey? They’d be light weight and cut down on space. Then there’s the HVAC industry. I bet a crew of midget duct cleaners would make a killing in that business. They could just run through with a dust buster and be done in half the time. How about a flight attendant? I bet they’d be the perfect size to work the cart down the isle between the oversized commode salesmen. How cool would it be to have a midget airline pilot? You know there would be some high strung whack job that would freak out when he hears in that high pitched voice, “this is your captain speaking.” Are there any midgets in the armed forces? How cool would a 3’ Marine Corp drill instructor be? Or even a police SWAT team of midgets dressed in black with machine guns. Do you suppose any of them work at a chocolate factory? (Sorry I couldn’t resist) The absolute pinnacle of awesome though would be a midget lion tamer. That’s like finger food for a three hundred pound carnivore. He would be the all time Mac of the little people. Whatever these people do I will always be fascinated with just how hard they must work and their level of ingenuity to compete with the big folk.

Hoping to see a skydiving midget someday,

“Famed” blogger,

Statistics

2005-09-21T13:59:00.000-05:00

Speaking of school I was thinking about my personal experiences in college and to the best of my memory I can’t remember a single thing from my statistics class. Even after the second time I had to take it. It really surprises me because I’m always finding interesting statistics on any number of topics. Equally however I see just as many statistical reports that are brain numbingly boring. I, nor anyone for that mater, really wanted to know the corollary relationship between greenhouse gases and the level of chlorine in my neighbor’s pool. Conversely to that I would like to know how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if in fact he could chuck wood (type that ten times fast…). For those curious of interesting statistical records the best and most interesting information to date would undoubtedly be the Guinness book of worlds’ records. Even they though are moving to the boring side of the spectrum because it will be another hundred years before a new world’s fattest anorexic surfaces. I therefore offer my services in creative genius to the fine folks at the Guinness Soup Company to come up with the statistical records categories that will entertain us in a completely useless manor.

For instance I’m really interested in these areas:
Average IQ of a KIA SUV owner.

Longest midget toss on record.

Illegitimate child birthrate of circus clowns or US Senators.

Sexual harassment complaints or insect bites per square inch at a nudist resort.

Average customer weight of said resort.

Oldest porn star (oh stop. You know you’re curious.)

Growth rate of freestyle unicycling.

Shortest person to hold a valid drivers license.

So much useless information, so little time.

“Famed” blogger,

Jared Lee goes to college

2005-09-21T13:43:00.000-05:00

Well it’s confirmed. I will officially be returning to the industry that I know. Ironically it could be a mix of my former job and my former former job. I enrolled this week in a truck driving school. I’ve spent some time in the transportation industry and only lack the proper licensing to drive truck. I’ve always enjoyed driving and think it would be a pretty good to get paid pretty good money to do so. Some have said I’m taking a step backward, first working with the mentally handicapped to now working with truck drivers? The mental capacities are certainly on the downswing. People have asked me what will be the next thing. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be a prison barber some day. For now though I will be heading back to school like Billy Madison and Tommy Lee. I must say thought I’m a bit anxious about this. I have a pretty good idea on what the course material will be but I have been unsuccessful in procuring the official course schedule. Based on my contact with the school I have been able to piece together a few of the topics covered in the two week course. A preview of future blog topics?

Week One:

Day 1: Temps testing and proper belly hair exposure.
Day 3: How to pick up a truck stop waitress.
Day 4: An analytical overview of driving techniques in Smokey and the Bandit parts one and two.

Week Two:

Day 2: Book Report due, “Dumb down your Hygiene” by Harry Smelzya
Day 3: Trip to dentist for tooth removal to industry standard:
Fees- (Standard 7 tooth pull- $75.00)
(British Special- $117.00)

Whatever the outcome of my adventurous return to academia, I know based on experience that truck drivers will provide plenty of nincompoopery for your enjoyment. Well, I promised myself I’d be prepared so I’m off to cut the sleeves off all my t-shirts.

“Famed” blogger,

Beware of your neighbor's balls.

2005-09-15T18:18:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of the Free Masons, Illuminati, and Pyramid Marketing, I believe a new cult has surfaced. I’ve dubbed it “The Cult of the Lawn Balls”. People have long put strange things in their yard in the name of decoration. Before you claim that tire free Chevy in your yard as decoration, let me clarify. In well manicured yards in this area I’ve seen unique things. Of note are: the 12’ tall alien carved into a 4’ diameter tree trunk, the tree suspending no less than twelve corded phones, and my personal favorite the pretty bed frame outlining the flower bed. The strangest I’ve come across are the balls. I’m sure you’ve seen them but they are metallic blue or gold, 12” around. I never really thought anything about it until my parent’s neighbors adorned their lawn with one. Now I’ve categorized lawn decorations into two categories: The pretty (the deer statue, French kissing garden gnomes, flags of stuff, etc.) and the seemingly clever (the washing machine turned bird house, the “blondes live hear” sign, etc.) I couldn’t definitively place the lawn balls in the proper category because they’re not that cool nor are they seemingly clever. To clear up this very important matter I consulted my parent’s neighbor one afternoon when they were outside and I was dead curious.
“Excuse me but may I ask what the blue ball is for?”
“What do you mean?”
“Uh, I’ve seen you blue ball on your lawn and wondered about it.”
“Ya we got it a few weeks ago.”
“Does it light up? Hover? Roll around the lawn? Play music? Hide a camera? Dog or Bird repellent?”
“No!”
“It just sits there?”
“Usually. Good day.”

I was disappointed at the abruptness of the close of that conversation. I suppose I was rather over exuberant and curious about it. Ever time I visit my parents though I have to wonder now if “usually” means, “until it’s provoked”, or “until it hatches” or “only when we’re connected with the mother ship.” Please my friends be cautious of the cult of the lawn balls for until the mysterious nature of these objects are linked to or disassociated with Roswell, Area 51, or Wendy’s strange things may happen. Stay safe and be careful what you put on your lawn.

“Famed” Blogger

Vintage 1988

2005-09-15T17:51:00.000-05:00

1988 was a good year for me. Between a new bike and a giant box of Legos, life was good that year. As a twelve year old I really didn’t care about the election that year because I couldn’t vote or even understand the electoral system. In 1988 I was knee deep in that “awkward phase” of life I’ve yet to grow out of. Women were about as puzzling as why Wyle E. Coyote couldn’t catch the roadrunner. It wasn’t until today that I learned that in 1988 at the wizened age of 12 I was old enough to get married in the great state of Massachusetts. The Legal information institute at Cornell University Law School published a report recently of the minimum age requirements of these great United States. The information surfaced after a lawsuit was made public in Kansas where a 13 year old girl married a 20 year old dope and they’re gonna have a baby. I as a 28 year old have a hard time seeing myself a parent. Other than the obvious creepy nature of this story imagine the home dynamic these two face:

“Gosh Honey, when the baby comes you’ll have to get a second paper route.”
“Instead of the family minivan it’s the family Huffy.”
“Yes we’ll all have the kid’s menu thank you.”
“Just think honey, a few more years and we can get our own checking account.”
Did they have the wedding reception at Chuck E Cheese?
“What do you mean Toys R US doesn’t have a gift registry?”

"Famed" Blogger,

Back to business.

2005-09-15T17:50:00.000-05:00

I’m back! I apologize for my absence. Losing my job was a bit of a downer for me. I had to go climb a mountain and commune and meditate with my guru to help get centered again. Since then I’ve concluded that at the center of this subversive plot to keep me down, was a hairy Canadian. It’s going to take more than that to stop me! I have successfully petitioned my former employer to change my termination to a resignation thus restoring my honor. It’s time then, to move onward and upward. Stand out of my way; I’ve got bloggering to do! '

"Famed" blogger,

bad things are happening.

2005-08-31T15:02:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Katrina has come and gone and left a smelly imprint on America. Everyone listen in the next few days and see if you hear similar things as we did back in January. The whole of the world was in morning for the losses in Thailand and Indonesia for the Tsunami that hit shortly after Christmas. If you don’t remember look back in the archives to January for “By the Numbers.” In the aftermath of the tsunami hundreds of thousands of people died and over one and a half billion dollars in relief aid was given, almost half of it by the US. Has Thailand, the United Nations or even the Austrian National Bocce team even said anything yet? I Haven’t heard anything yet. Thailand will most likely have lost more lives but they did get the land back and were able to clean up immediately. In our case however Baton Rouge just got a little close to becoming ocean front property. With the water level increasing hindering rescue efforts the true loss of life may never be fully realized. I’ve been to the gulf coast and New Orleans quite a few times in my childhood. Enough to know that it will be a long time before anyone calls those areas home again. The fun is about to begin though. I say fun because if you remember Hollywood and the warm fuzzies they gave themselves for donating money to the Tsunami relief effort I can only imagine what they will do now. I remember reports of actors and actresses that gave money because they fell in love with the nation when on some remote exotic location shoot for a movie. What friends of New Orleans will show up? Will Drew Carry or the Girls Gone Wild organization contribute to the relief effort for so many fuzzy memories of Mardi Gras’ passed?

I hope politics won’t show up to this event but I don’t hold my breath.

You think the Saints will play with life jackets on?

Incidentally, I have a racial bone to pick. I am not a prejudiced person, but when I see all the looting on TV being carried out by hundreds of black people I have to sigh. Come on people you’re not helping the situation. Bigger than that though, I don’t care what color you are. When someone loots an electronics store in the middle of a disaster area like that when 80% of the state doesn’t have electricity and won’t for months, YOU’RE AN IDIOT! What are you going to do? Take your new 35” LCD TV up to your roof top with you? Where are you going to plug it in? The Chimney? When the helicopter comes are you going to put that in the basket first? Did you pass two grocery stores on the way there? It’s not like you might be stuck there for a while. Skip the non perishable food aisle and go straight for the Play Stations. Morons

“Famed” blogger,

Sometimes...

2005-08-25T21:01:00.000-05:00

...You're the pigeon. Sometimes you're the statue. I have shocking news!

As of Wednesday I was terminated from my position as Job Coach working with the mentally handicapped.

*pause for collective gasp*

Yes I know. I have never been fired from a job before. It's really a funny feeling in this case. Everyone that knows me is in utter disbelief because I have a work ethic and integrity second to none. Quite a few of my friends and coworkers have asked what happened. I'm afraid that typing the details would leave me knuckle cramped so bad I wouldn't be able to play video games ever again. In it's simplest form what happened was this. The company (who shall remain nameless to protect the clients) perceived a problem with me. I won't debate the existence of the problem because it would only result in finger pointing by either side. Instead of bringing it to my attention or making any sort of effort to salvage the employee they felt it better to start from scratch. What's done is done and I know that I conducted myself in the best and most subordinate manor I could. Why am I boring you with unfunny material? Because unfortunately my favorite section of the blog "this week according to the clients" will no longer be available. I will miss the deep conversations about the latest episode of Diagnosis Murder and the endless questions about the purpose of ordinary objects like a paper clip. It was a good time.

What does the future hold for me? I don't know. Maybe I can take my struggle with the Canadians to the next step. Whatever way it goes down. Where ever I wind up. Know that I will always bring you the funniest and most un-thought provoking things that go on around me. After all, it's America, land of opportunity unlike Canada, the land of evil crud farmers...and stuff.

"famed" blogger,

All about the Valley

2005-08-24T07:59:00.000-05:00

The other day I was at the store following up on a hunch about frozen orange juice concentrate when I overheard someone mention that the hottest temperature recorded in this country was recorded in Death Valley California. I had forgotten that and looked it up on the map when I got back home and realized something. Did you know that Death Valley California is actually a national park? Outlined in Green there it was 4000 square miles of the most desolate, hottest, and most remote national park in the country. When I think of national park I think of something a little more human friendly with the possibility of seeing a squirrel, raccoon or at least a deer being chased by a drunken idiot. Was this someone’s idea of a joke? Did the Secretary of the interior pull a joke for April fools day and nobody got it? Back in the day did someone survey the 4000 square miles and think that it needed to be protected? Or did the US have too many landfills at the time? I can understand a big forest being claimed as a national park to save it from ever being cut down but what about this? Is this a hedge against a multinational kitty litter company buying up all the sand in the world? Or is this a plan to make sure that in four hundred years Americans have a little bit of desert left to experience? Like something might happen to the four neighboring states. Then again maybe it’s a little more sinister than we all suspected? Perhaps it was intended to be the international tourist equivalent to fly paper. It’s the sucker stop on the way to Disney Land for the Swedes and French. And what do you do when you visit Death Valley National Park? Stay at the Howard Johnson and make sand castles for a week? Take pictures of the scenic cactus? “Oh honey! Take a picture of that one! It looks like Roy Orbison!” Even the name is marketing gold: “Death” Valley. You know four meth junkies turned up at some point thinking it was going to be the next Oz fest or something. Looking at the map revealed another big selling point. It’s bordered on two sides by a Naval Weapons Station. “Hey Kids! Look at the pretty lights!” Somehow I don’t think that Death Valley National Park will ever make anyone’s Christmas plans nor will any USC students ever go wild there over spring break. In fact someone better check on the park ranger. He may have gone native on us. Let me know if anyone finds him I’m sure Bigfoot will be as surprised as the rest of us. I’m still checking on the orange juice concentrate.

“Famed” blogger,

Definitions:

2005-08-23T16:47:00.000-05:00

Crutch: (see also: “lost art” or “inability”)

In the modern age of the internet and the electric toaster we abbreviate everything for the sake of clever brevity (LOL, ROFL, etc). In conjunction with the handy dandy spell check button a good speller has become about as rare as a gay Gotti. For instance, driving back from work yesterday I saw a sign in front of a florist shop that read, “Balloons 4 sail.”

This one goes out to the Hamptons.

2005-08-23T16:38:00.000-05:00

Just the other day I was reminiscing about my time in Michigan. More specifically I missed the phone calls. You see when I moved back to Wisconsin I chose not to get a land line at my apartment but rather use just my mobile phone. The phone calls I used to get were just amazing. In the four years I had that phone number my roommate and I were always getting calls for the Hamptons who I assume were the previous owners of that number. We really had a lot of fun with not just those but all the wrong numbers and telemarketers that happened across our phone. I had rescheduled doctor’s appointments, changed travel plans and had some really heated discussions with the Hamptons collections agents over maters I knew nothing about. Yes… those were the days. My favorite though was a ten minute conversation I had with the mother of a girl who was supposed to be at a party at the Hampton’s place. Oh I think I got a few people in heaps of trouble that night. Last night though showed me just how out of practice I have become on the phone. I was enjoying a heaping bowl of Mac and Cheese while watching the surgery channel people cut a face eating tumor off a Thai kid (I think there is an Oprah episode in there somewhere). About the time I lost my appetite my cell phone rang. Immediately it was clear it wasn’t someone I really wanted to talk to. Before I had a chance to say no the lady on the other end was asking when I wanted to schedule a time to come in and donate blood. I thought, hey! Sign me up! I don’t know who I’m talking to but that doesn’t matter. I’ll give any and all confidential information to make this happen! Moron. I told the lady the last time I gave blood I passed out like a thirteen year old in the second row of a Prince concert. She didn’t find that funny. Of course neither did I. Everyone else at work laughed at me. Not accepting no she kept to her script even when I asked what disease I had to have to end the conversation. She finally believed me when I said no for the third time and we parted ways. I quickly stopped shortly after and shook my head. I didn’t miss the wrong numbers and dumb phone solicitations as much as I thought. At least not during surgery.

"Famed" blogger,

Moving Day Memories: Sixth Edition

2005-08-18T13:19:00.000-05:00

Moving day is usually a stressful time in the life of the movers. Will all my undies fit in the suitcase? Did we forget to pack the cat? Did we use enough bubble wrap on the three tong forks? I’ve actually had a considerable amount of experience moving. I own a truck therefore I’m on everyone’s speed dial when it comes time to move. I don’t mind it because I’m always willing to lend a hand to a friend. I enjoy it though mainly because moving day lends itself to many opportunities for humor. Seeing a 100 pound women scream at three hairy knuckled movers for dropping her china is just funny. Seeing someone answer a cell phone while carrying a desk is just funny. Watching someone try and figure out how to load a piano into a Honda civic is just funny.When you compound the hectic necessity of organization with the emotional strain associated with leaving a place you called home, strange/funny/memorable situation WILL arise. If they don’t, you need to create some for the sake of keeping a perspective on the stresses of moving. It must be the season but I know a few people who are moving in the near future. Some have asked for ideas on how to make it memorable. Drawing on my experience moving things I’ve put a list together to pick from to give some ideas on how to make moving day more memorable.

If a short move across town, glue a bra to the inside roof of the rental truck. If a long move glue bra to outside of truck for added visibility in heavy traffic. For maximum effect, procure from goodwill the biggest rock cradle you can find.
Ala Meg, string a laundry line from your second floor window and allow laundry to dry while you leave. For added effect, hang a clown outfit out to dry. Or for the devious, an S&M zipper mask.
Plant potatoes in the front yard.
On the way back from picking up the rental truck stop at a car dealership and ask about the trade in value. For maximum effect, claim your last name is Uhaul.
If in an apartment complex, post “Lost Lizard” signs and ask if anyone has seen your lizard: Dr. Fram Nahajachek.
Get your moving party t-shirts that say, “Dutch Migrant Workers”

Almost as guaranteed on moving day as rain, flat tires and back strain is the one or two people that see the moving truck, see the pile of boxes marked fragile, see the refrigerator on a dolly, and see the for sale sign in the front yard only to ask, “Are you moving?” Ask a dumb question get a dumb answer.

Answer:

“Nope, just waiting for the rest of the circus to arrive with the leopards.”
“Nope, just practicing.”
“Nope, we’re just turning the house into an internment camp.”
“Nope, it’s a surprise party in the truck for the stove and everyone else was invited.”
“Nope, vacationing to Montreal and thought we’d take the hutch with us.”
“Nope, squatting.”
“Nope, door was open, just thought we’d help ourselves.”

"Famed" blogger,

Sometimes to get the job, you just have to show up.

2005-08-12T20:12:00.000-05:00

Last night I was surfing the channels and had to stop when I heard, "...and pull the alligator out by the tail." I thought, "Hey, any show that cons people into angering a dangerous animal without the protection of say, a brick wall has to be good for a laugh." Nay, sad. Before I knew it I was watching Models Fear Factor with host Joe Rogan. When I figured out what show it was I just HAD to root for the gator. Especially after Rogan went out of his way to personally interview all twelve of the six models "contestants". Sadly the gator didn’t win. Why is it that Joe Rogan is employed? Is their anyone more creepily untalented in the entertainment industry? I think he’d even give Tom Green the willies. After being disappointed that no one was eaten by the gator I concluded that the show wasn’t all bad. In fact it would be a pretty good show if they could have landed Ben Stein or Cheech Marin as the host. Even the old Budweiser frogs would have been better. Instead all they could find was the studio janitor? Honestly, this guy’s got less talent than William Hung. Just look what happened to the Man Show on Comedy Central. All he had to do was drink beer and read que cards, but that must have been too much. The Man Show was like Affirmative Action for TV Comics. After a flaming failure like that it begs the question, what’s he going to move on to when people wise up to Fear Factor? I doubt he’s going to want to return to his studio janitorship. You know too he’s got about a snowballs chance at becoming a serious actor. I don’t foresee Spielberg ever beating down the door for Joe Rogan’s talents. That is unless he needs his studio cleaned. Ya I don’t see Rogan pushing forward the bounds of modern thought, unless it involves eating poo. If the world were to blow up next Thursday and a spaceship were to come and take the best and brightest to a new unpolluted pristine paradise of a planet, Joe Rogan would be firmly planted between Pauly Shore and Melissa Rivers waving goodbye to the 3 trillion others that weren’t placed on stand by.

Dork.

"Famed" blogger,

This week according to the clients.

2005-08-12T13:29:00.000-05:00

Not more than five minutes ago it was revealed to me that, and I quote:

Client: “This morning I went to the MDV and got a new state ID. I had pancakes for breakfast and I’m gaining weight.”

Jared: “Umm. Well you don’t look a day over 100 lbs.”

Definitions:

2005-08-10T10:13:00.000-05:00

Hardcore: (see also: “closed head injury”)

Yesterday on the way home for lunch I had to swerve around three kids playing with their makeshift Slip-N-Slide. I don’t drive on people’s lawn so that means they were running and diving onto their wet plastic sheet in the middle of the street.

Commercial Announcement

2005-08-09T08:13:00.000-05:00

Are you ever at a dinner party or some social engagement in which an awkward conversational pause ever comes up? I have the solution for you. Replace the sound of chewing in the unpleasant void at the dinner table when conversation stalls with Jared's patented Conversation Plugs. Throw one of many plugs out there and get the conversation humming again. Stay tuned for the latest cutting edge plugs like this one:

AARP magazine had a write up on Shirley Mclaen. Did you know she has a rat terrier named Terry? She believes she shared an earlier lifetime in ancient Egypt with Terry.

"Famed" blogger,

Theory

2005-08-09T08:11:00.000-05:00

I’m sure you can all think of a product or service that fall into the category I’m talking about. You know something you buy but would never cop to. For instance guys would never cop to scrap booking or shopping at Joann Fabrics. I’ve made a realization the other day that this phenomenon has encompassed an entire organization. What is it about Long John Silver that no one will admit to eating there? I’ve never eaten there and I’ve asked a dozen or so people and they’ve never eaten there either. Furthermore to the best of my memory nobody has ever told me they’ve eaten at Long John Silvers. I wonder why that is. Logic would reason that since the restaurant is there people must be eating there or they would go belly up. I really think there must be something peculiar with LJS because of two other restaurants: Old Country Buffet and White Castle. Everyone admits to going to OCB at some point although the food isn’t very good and the “portly” patrons getting their money’s worth is always a dissuasive factor. I’m especially puzzled when I considered White Castle. Undoubtedly White Castle has to be the bottom of the barrel or more like the Courtney Love of the food industry. Like low grade Carnival food. Everyone knows it. Especially the CEO. You don’t see their face all over the cover of Forbes. I don’t think he’ll get a book deal anytime soon either. Like OCB everyone admits to going to White Castle at some point. The difference is that there is always, even a miniscule amount, of pride when admitting to getting by on some sliders. I have a theory. I think public opinion of Long John Silvers versus White Castle is like that a fart. Bear with me on this. Nobody will claim a mediocre fart but throw one out there that gets the cat to barking and four hands go up in ownership. Maybe I’m way off here, but I think I’m pretty close. Given the competition out there why is it that nobody admits to going to Long John Silvers?

"Famed" blogger,

Definitions:

2005-08-08T09:38:00.000-05:00

Futile- (see also failed attempt, or “huh?”)
A friend of mine and resident of Shepherds, is celebrating his 40th birthday tomorrow. He’s going to Texas Roadhouse, a southern style steakhouse, for lunch. After my recommendation, I spent 15 minutes and multiple diagrams attempting to explain the concept of baby back ribs. I don’t know if it took but he might actually try it.

Tribute to a Polish insurance salesman

2005-08-05T19:37:00.000-05:00

One of my oldest and dearest friends was born 29 years ago today. I wanted to get something for his birthday. Thus I was on my way to the card store the other day when I changed my mind. You see, my friend is about the most normal person I’ve ever met. He has no interestingly weird tendencies like dressing up as a young Regis Philbin on weekends. Nor does he have any less than normal hobbies like collecting used salsa jars stolen from winos. I don’t even think he likes the Beatles. He is just a normal basketball loving Polish insurance agent. Being so I wanted to do something a little less than normal for him on his birthday. No I won’t be sending him a dead bunny named Steve. I thought I would immortalize him in the most “famous” blog never read. I thought that in the spirit of the Friars club roast we could all share our love with him but he’s just too normal. There is not much material to work with. Not very many people would appreciate the only joke I could come up with because you don’t know him.

“How many Polish insurance agents does it take to screw in a light bulb? Two. One to hold the ladder and the other to call his dad.”

See?

Then it hit me. Polls show that 85% of my reading audience is creative, 10% are less creative than a Styrofoam cup and 5% are French. Between us all we should be able to find some ways for my friend to break out of his over normality and visit the more colorful side of existence. In that spirit I tip my glass to you Jeremy and hope that on your birthday, these ideas and those shared may be of some help.

Cheers mate!

1. Kick a walrus and see if it squeaks.
2. Go to the supermarket and ask what makes theirs super.
3. Ride a bike around Milwaukee and ask if anyone knows the way to Miami.
4. File a missing persons report with the police for Waldo.
5. Call Sears and ask if Craftsman makes underwear yet.
6. Cut down your neighbor’s tree and claim you saw three laughing beavers run down the street.
7. Go to Home depot and ask if they’ll put spinners on your lawn tractor.
8. Go to the mall dressed as Lucille Ball and ask everyone if they think you look like Reggie Miller.
9. Graffiti a sheep.
10. Wear Velcro shoes.

This week according to the clients

2005-08-05T09:51:00.000-05:00

Client: “How is your friend John doing?”
Jared: “Good! He and I and some friends went to see a movie last night.”
Client: “What movie did you watch?”
Jared: “Wedding Crashers.”
Client: “Wedding Crashers? Was that about cars?”
Jared: “No just a couple of boats.”
Client: “That sounds good!”

Racine County Fair

2005-08-01T21:13:00.000-05:00

“Only two things scare me and one is nuclear war!”
“What’s the other?”
“Pardon?”
“What’s the other thing that scares you?”
“Carnies! Circus folk. Smell like cabbage, small hands.”
--Austin Powers

The annual fly migration from our neighbors signals one thing. The county fair/ carnival has closed. All ribbons have been awarded and Racine County is that much fatter having enjoyed the smorgasbord of unhealthy foods. Of note this year was the fried Snickers bar. I think those ranked right below licking a public toilet seat on the list of healthy activities. It’s my own theory that cardiologists were just drumming up business.
This year I had the opportunity to go and see the sights of the fair. A group of us from work took a group of employees to see the annual county fair rodeo. For those that don’t know, a rodeo at this level is about what ‘horse’ is to the game of basketball. At least at our county fair that is. More appalling than the lack of local horse riding talent though was the fans. We were situated near the entrance and saw everyone coming and going. I couldn’t believe how many horribly filled tube tops came through the entrance. Here everyone’s sitting on metal bleachers within whiffing distance of seven different flavors of animal poo and dust blowing off the rodeo ring while men where wearing neatly pressed button down shirts and the women, both saggy and perky alike, wearing three coats of makeup and not much else. Why do they get all dressed up for this? You’re just going to get home smelling like onions and sheep. I wanted to stand there with a bullhorn, “Lady, put those away before you trip on them! And put some clothes on your kid too!” “Dude! Your ‘git-r-done’ t-shirt isn’t clever anymore!” Please people; the fair is a literal meat market, not the figurative version. Go to the bar for that!
In all fairness (no pun intended) the fair had it’s interesting points. I got to see goats for sale. Not just barnyard milking goats but Norwegian dwarf goats. I wonder how trainable they are? How cool would that be, living in the suburbs with a 40 lb pygmy goat chasing the family cocker spaniel around the yard? I wonder if they make a “beware of goat” sign? I’m so there.
Needless to say I intend to go to the fair next year again. Even in spite of the Canadians in disguise I believe I will be able to count on the county fair for a considerable laugh, exposure to things completely foreign to me and at the very least, something blog worthy.

“Famed” blogger,

“I refuse to ride something that requires that much electricity and was put together in under an hour.” --An anonymous shirtless fair patron.

Definitions:

2005-07-25T08:19:00.000-05:00

In the spirit of “This week according to the residents” I have come up with a new segment to the blog. It’s an easy enough concept to understand but for those Canadians reading I’ll type slower. “Definitions:” will give you a little bit better clue into the color of my humor. It is the definition of words and phrases as I would define them. For example:

Dis-useful: (see also: redundant, unnecessary or overkill)
I passed an elderly couple this morning on the expressway that was driving a soft green Buick Park Avenue (of course). They were doing 65 in the left most lane. As I passed them I noticed one thing. They had a radar detector on the dash board. That was money well spent.

"Famed" blogger,

Mathematical expression of a Wisconsin summer

2005-07-25T08:17:00.000-05:00

On the heels of the hottest day this summer I figured I would share with you my best mathematical explanation as to the unsightly amount of flab exposed during a Wisconsin summer.

X= horribly gross skin exposure.

X= [(subject body weight)(time spent sweating)] x [(temperature)(humidity)]

Keep in mind it’s still a work in progress. Note that as one variable fluctuates the others fluctuate in response. For example as body weight increases, X increases seemingly exponentially. I’m not entirely sure how to express it in graph form yet. It’s my hunch though it will resemble something like a chicken wing or in Wisconsin’s case, fried cheese. I can’t quite figure out how to plot it yet. Any help would be appreciated.

“Famed” blogger,

Going to the doctor.

2005-07-25T08:12:00.000-05:00

Without knowing the person I am talking about I don’t know if you’ll understand fully the humor of situation, however the more important thing about the story should be pretty clear. As you all know I work with people with mental disabilities in a workshop setting which is a small part of a larger residential facility. Quite often word of instances and circumstances from the residential side of the organization find their way to my department. Often times the grapevine produces quite outlandish stories. For instance, in the two years I’ve been there I’ve been engaged twice, ran for public office in New York, owned a speedboat named ‘Green Squash’ and won a watermelon eating contest back in aught three. None of which were true because nobody would name a boat ‘Squash’ of any color. In this case however the medical information was confirmed. Not too long ago one of the ladies that work in the workshop was in a bad mood. She’s really adorable. She’s super short but not a ‘little person’ or whatever the heck they want to be called, but rather she’s just short. She’s normally very friendly. She doesn’t say much because she can’t talk very well. She has about a 50 word vocabulary and I’m pretty sure mammogram isn’t one of them. When I asked why she was in a bad mood I was told it was because she had a mammogram done, which based on her gesturing made sense (ya, you guessed it.) I immediately began laughing quietly to myself. The idea of someone of her stature standing on three phone books and someone’s lunch box at a machine clearly not designed for someone that short just seemed pretty funny. After a short laugh something else dawned on me. Long ago someone told me the process of a mammogram was pretty much, “they mash it down and take a picture.” I was instantly glad I didn’t have those. Of course shortly after that I learned about prostate exams. *sigh* Having a vague notion of what the mammogram process involves and having known this lady for two years now, I realized what she must have gone through. How do you explain to someone that doesn’t understand the difference between her right and left shoes that it’s a necessary thing to have a procedure of such discomfort done in an environment that she’s unfamiliar with. I was suddenly astounded by the level of trust she had to have shown the person that took her to the doctor. When I mentioned that observation to the person who informed me, she said, “Wow, your right. Of course it may also be that they’ll never get her in the car again.”

“Famed” blogger,

And now the fake news

2005-07-21T06:51:00.000-05:00

In the aftermath of Hurricane Emily, Texas officials say that the abundance of rainfall has caused the Rio Grande’s water level to be, “Very high, very fast and very dangerous.” As a result the Mexican government has issued water wings to would be boarder crossers.

“Famed” blogger,

Reflecting on a fast car.

2005-07-19T07:54:00.000-05:00

Being dissimilar in gender relative proportions to the super beautiful people the likes of Thandie Newton, Ben Affleck, anyone with Victoria Secret credentials after their name, George Clooney, Kate Beckensale or John Freeze; I’ve never been able to associate with the sex objectivity that one in said category must endure in public when someone of over normality endeavors romantic advances toward them. I’m sure that’s where the phrase, “way out of your league” came from. My recent circumstances though have allowed me a peek into the world of these people. First let me say, NO. I will not be featured on the next season of the Swan, Bachelor, Extreme Makeover or Iron Chef. In fact, I had the brilliant idea the other day of attempting to help my friend sell his car by putting it out on display at work. It just wasn’t getting enough exposure in his garage so he gave me the car. We’re not talking about a dainty Chevy Cavalier; of course we’re not talking a Mclaren either. The conveyance in question is a Subaru WRX. If you know anything about cars, for its performance the WRX is a VERY capable car. The owner in his wisdom had added a few aftermarket items notably an HKS blow off valve. 90% of people who read this won’t know what that is. I’m not entirely sure I know what it does but I can tell you this. When switching gears the car whistles. It is just about the most cool thing to happen to a car since, well wheels. Women, if guys had to choose between seatbelts and a blow off valves there would be a lot of helmets being sold. I tell you that because you need to understand the ‘rocket’ nature of this car in order for everything to make sense. I have had the car for a week and already I’m getting annoyed driving up to a stoplight only to have the seventh ’91 Honda gun their engine at me. I have a sense of responsibility and promised the owner/friend/insurance agent that I wouldn’t break the car. Obviously racing is out of the question. But after the endless nagging, I almost sympathize with what models must go through. I would rather be caught with a Bjork anthology before I would race a car like these! Honestly, a spoiler that big cannot cover THAT much rust. Would be racers of note: yesterday’s enthusiast drove a beat up Honda that had a rather brilliant sticker in the rear window, “neither fast, nor furious.” (At least he was honest) Without equal, today’s was just THE flat out winner. A pretty well preserved Gremlin (yes I checked twice) with a sticker on the back that said, “Diva on board.” Where is an RPG when you need one? One of these day’s I’m just going to roll down the window and yell out to one of these jokers, “Hey, after getting in out of that car everyday you probably don’t care anymore weather your fly’s up or down, huh?” I know I’m starting to sound elitist and snobbish about the car I’ve been driving. That is why God graced me with my truck. I do keep some perspective though. As cool as I think I must look in that car, I know that all cool points I got from this went out the window on Saturday when I stood in the checkout line behind three 14 year olds for the Harry Potter book. Until I’m kicked back to over normality from the sale of the WRX I will continue to take advantage of one of the strangest set of circumstances that could befall a dissimilar guy like me.

“Famed” blogger,

This week according to the clients.

2005-07-15T08:29:00.000-05:00

This week according to the clients:

Client: “Jared! I had to go to the doctor yesterday! They gave me a CAT scan!”
Jared: “Did they find any?”
Client: “Any what?”
Jared: “Cats!”
Client: “NO! They didn’t find any cats.”
Jared: “Oh good! I was worried there for a minute. I’ve heard that if they find more than two they have to operate.”
Client: “Nope, I guess I’m ok!”

Florida Relocation Project

2005-07-12T13:15:00.000-05:00

I saw a Red Cross commercial yesterday asking for donations to hurricane relief for those victimized in Florida after this whole Dennis thing. While I don’t harbor any ill wishes for the residents of the blue haired state I’m really getting tired of hearing about their problems. In 1998 and 99 Billions of dollars in damage and hundreds of thousands of acres of land were burned by wild fires. Last year a record five hurricanes hit Florida damaging one out of every five homes in the state and destroying as many lives. If after that the residents of Florida haven’t gotten the picture and moved to New Jersey fallout from subsequent disasters are they’re own fault. The National Highway and Traffic Safety Administration should just post signs as you enter Florida, “Enter at your own risk. We hope your right with God.” Of course on the opposite side of the sign for those leaving Florida, “Ya we thought so.”

Let’s just send the inhabitants to Atlanta, relocate Disney world to Phoenix, send the Cubans home and just push Florida back out into the Atlantic.

Of course when you factor in these costs of living in Florida I have to wonder just how unlucky a group of people can be. Florida is shaping up to be the epicenter of the cosmic flow of bad luck. More proof of this? Look no further than the Miami Dolphins.

The Dutch don’t even have it this bad.

“Famed” blogger,

Update.

2005-07-12T11:31:00.000-05:00

Not being one to accept conjecture, I consulted an expert in field of equine physiology and it appears that horses are incapable of vomiting. To quote, “…what goes down stays down.”

Brilliant!

2005-07-07T08:15:00.000-05:00

I just laughed.

2005-07-07T08:07:00.000-05:00

When you watch TV for any decent length of time you’re bound to see some car/insurance/auto parts/grape jelly commercial that uses a crash test scenario to sell their products. Usually you see a company showing off some safety award like the JD Power’s golden sock. (I made that last part up. It sounds funny.) I thought the other night when I saw a crash test commercial that I’ve never seen or heard about how Ferrari’s do in crash tests. Do you suppose they do crash tests on high end cars like that? I would imagine that in a job were you slam a car into a concrete wall on videotape, smashing a Bentley would be the pinnacle of awesome.

"famed" blogger,

a new occupation

2005-07-06T07:52:00.000-05:00

Can anyone explain to me what a “Hoof Trimmer” is? I saw a sign on the side of a truck this morning advertising such services. I took a picture but it didn’t turn out. Is it as simple as it sounds? Is a hoof trimmer a bovine manicurist?

July 4th and a trip to the ER.

2005-07-04T16:30:00.000-05:00

I don’t understand the fourth of July. I understand the whole appreciation of veterans and celebrating out independence from British tea and driving on the left but I don’t understand the celebratory acts. From childhood I was indoctrinated with certain principles. “Don’t run with scissors in your hand!” “Look both ways before crossing the street.” “Don’t play with the chainsaw.” “Don’t paint the dog.” It seems like come July fourth, all rules are off. Any other day of the year no self respecting social services worker would allow a parent to buy explosive devices for their children but on July forth it’s encouraged. I’ve known people to drive two states away for a two for one deal on things that burn and go pop. Parades show this total lack of normalcy too. It is now within a policeman’s authority to pull you over for not wearing a seatbelt. Yet in a parade it is not uncommon to see people not only seatbelt free but standing on the back of a truck dancing, singing and swallowing swords. And how about this? As long as they’re throwing candy from the top of the pile of hoses aback the truck it becomes the only time in human history when mothers will allow their children to run out in front of a fire truck. I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t a subliminal association with Canada. One day a year, American society thumbs it’s nose at the notion of being a pansy version of a British colony. Together Americans throw caution to the wind and reminds itself why we wanted a country of our own. So celebrate! Run with scissors, paint the dog, juggle chainsaws but tomorrow there will be no more running in front of fire trucks.

"Famed" Blogger,

watch out they spit.

2005-07-02T09:57:00.000-05:00

In your rush to do this and that do you ever pass something or see something that causes you to do a double take? Or come across something fairly normal but so out of place you are compelled to stand in wonder of how it was there? Like seeing a pair of shoes hung from a telephone wire. Growing up I always admired someone’s total lack of anything better to do than throw an old pair of tennis shoes to a telephone line. Someday I hope to dispose of an old pair of sneakers in such a manor. Anyways. I was rushing to my third job at the tanning salon (AKA ‘The Bakery’) when I noticed a lady walking down the street. Now keep in mind here in Wisconsin we have an over abundance of certain things. We have lots of beer, lots of cheese, lots of Polacks, lots of brats, and very stereotypically, lots of cows. Now you’d think in a state with more cows than people it would seem pretty normal to see someone walking down the side of the road with their llama. Take it from me, that sight really catches one off guard. If I wasn’t late for work I would have stopped and asked her what she was doing. What set of circumstances causes one to walk their llama down the street? What set of circumstances causes one to own a llama? Of what value is a llama other than a logo for either a cheep fur company or a glue bottler? Are llamas the latest trend in the farming community? Are llama farmers considered the black sheep (pardon the pun) in the cattle industry? Instead of a ten gallon hat and the title of cowboy, do llamaboy’s wear face shields given the spitting ability of their stock? What are llamas’s good for anyways? Are they the latest ‘Green’ alternative to cow milk? Are they the new answer to the ever growing threat of Mad Cow Disease?

Just in passing I think that llama wranglers should come with a big sign one their back that say’s, “I’m too good for cows!”

“Famed” blogger,

You know you have an interesting job when...

2005-06-30T16:22:00.000-05:00

You know you have an interesting job when…

…wearing a box on your head makes you a trendsetter.

…your employees drop their pants four yards from the bathroom door.

…you can tell what your employees had for lunch by seeing them smile.

…getting the job done without any drool on it is a job well done.

"Famed" blogger,

Don't read while eating lunch...

2005-06-28T08:06:00.000-05:00

I always warn my dog not to eat plants when I take him out but for some reason (possibly because he doesn’t understand English) he never listens. Two minutes later he’s puked up the daisies. I usually laugh point and throw in a Nelson-esque “Ha-Ha!” as an I-told-you-so. Yesterday though this sequence of events triggered a thread of thinking that produced a pretty funny mental image. Can a horse vomit? I think it would be really funny to see a 1500 pound animal go into that whole body heave like my dog does. Better yet, let’s see a giraffe do that. It could very well be the funniest thing that mankind could ever witness. Of course in as much as I’ve thrown that out on the table here I must add I’m not in any way endorsing (yes I am) any sort of frat party prank involving intoxicating a one ton zoo animal to the point of mass evacuation for the sole sake of experimental humor.

“Famed” blogger,

No loitering in the mens room!

2005-06-28T07:59:00.000-05:00

I’ve long advocated and requested magazine racks for the bathrooms at work. Office johns are always so boring. You can only opinionate about the choice of wallpaper so many times before the entertainment value dwindles to zero. Today was different though. There was an enormous spider in the corner by the wastebasket. I was immediately reminded of the Far Side cartoon where two spiders spun a web at the base of a playground slide. One looked at the other and said, “If we pull this off we’ll be eating like kings!” I thought then of all the places this spider could sit he chose the guys john. Did his survival of the fittest Darwin crap instinct kick in and it drove him in there? Did he get bad directions from mapquest? What exactly goes through a spiders mind? Do they have fun? Do they critique other spider’s web design? Has a spider ever tripped? Do they get embarrassed if they fall off their web?

It suddenly became clear to me. I don’t like spiders so I stepped on him.

“famed” blogger,