Tit For Tat.

I’ve had a rant brewing for a few days now. I haven’t had a chance to put pen to paper on it until now. That is to say now that it has fully ripened. I don’t rant too often but when I do it’s usually something about a topic/event that is wholly inconsequential to anyone but me. North Korea has the bomb, the Muslims are out to kill us, and Canada inches ever closer to an invasion yet none of these have pricked my mind in such a way as to make it itch and fester into a rant. Instead, I’m going to rant about my nipples. All week long I’ve been cursing the fate of my chesticles. It started about a year ago when I was playing ball with my dog and through the miracle of the fake out he lunged for the ball, missed it and chomped down dead on my nipple. I did post it on here shortly after it happened. I thought or rather prayed that that would be the only time my nipples would come under attack. I was wrong. I lived in peace for months until this past spring. It was a warm sunny day when I exited my vehicle. It was a tight parking space requiring me to stay close to the car. As I closed my car door the corner of the door came just close enough… You know why a lightning rod is put on top of a building? It’s because it will strike the closest object. As happens quite often I got a static shock from my car door. What are the odds that the corner of door would pass my nipple just in time to release a static discharge? Needless to say I flinched, enough to break the mirror of the Honda next to me. There was no damage to the nipple. Not that it really matters. The male nipple is like the French. They think they’re more important than they really are. The most recent however has me furious and frightened at the same time. A fella I was working with tossed me a package at work and I caught it where? In the nipple of course. Not in the general area. Not even close like horse shoes and hand grenades. It was dead on with precision that GPS couldn’t even match. I was worried that the military would show up shortly after and inquire into the make of the guidance system. Oh the pain, oh the torment. WHY! Why do my nipples take such abuse? Normal people stub their toes or lose a finger to an angry beaver! Why my nipples? I suppose it’s a good thing I have the name I do. One-nipple Jared doesn’t roll off the tongue like One-nipple Lou or Nick The-nipple-less (that almost sounds Greek). At one point in my life did that fates in the universe decide that this was my penance? What did I do to deserve this kind of Karmic retribution? Yes I’ve kicked a cat or ten in my life but I always leave the toilet seat down. I know most of you know what I look like but for those of you who don’t just know it’s me when you see a guy walking down the street with a Kevlar vest and sign that says don’t touch my nipples.

“famed” blogger,