Saddam's death.

I was disappointed to see the video of his death. Well not so much in that he died, in fact I’m pretty glad he is dead but rather that in this commercial age his execution wasn’t sponsored by Oscar Meyer. Not even so much as a Casket donated by the fine folks at Hormel.


Oh well, I’ll just have to send a bouquet-o-bacon and my condolences.

Where are the seatbelts

Red neck third row seating?

Dairy Queen's wording

I don't care how good Dairy Queen says they are. I'm not eating anything with that name.

What's her secret?

"She's a man baby! YA!"

found in the bathroom.

Now that's a quality bathroom picture. It was hard to pee when I was laughing so hard.

The Rockford Files

What is it and why am I not suprised I saw this in Rockford, Il.

It beats flipping burgers.

“Reports to and receives assignments, instructions, and direction from the Foreman or General Foreman. Reads and interprets instructions and documentation and plans work activities. Operates company vehicles with capacity of up to 30 tons to move materials, tools, and equipment to and from work locations in support of construction and maintenance activities and/or deliver operating materials and supplies from one warehouse to another. Loads and unloads vehicles. Observes and follows all safety rules and procedures, including wearing required personal safety equipment. Performs other duties and activities as directed. Requires appropriate license. Typically requires 2 years of related experience. It should be understood that this position may be located in a hostile area and possibly in a combat or war zone. This could include the possibility of suffering harm at the hands of hostile forces or by friendly fire. It should be further understood that these dangers are inherent to work in a hostile environment.”
--Halliburton.com

Out of curiosity I went to the Halliburton website and poked around at some of the different ‘opportunities’ with the company for people like me qualified to drive big trucks. Yes this is stemming from my distain of Rockford, Illinios. How bad could Iraq be after delivering in Rockford. They are looking for people to drive tanker trucks of flammable liquids. Note the last three sentences. They would have pay me a truckload of money to strap myself into a vehicle carrying 10000 gallons of explosive fuel in a country where the pastime is kill the white guy. The plus side to this job is that if your truck does blow up, the 10000 gallons of fuel pretty much guarantee that you won’t feel a thing. Of course the down side to this job (other than dieing in a two hundred foot high fireball) is that if you ever came back to the states you couldn’t take pot shots out your window anymore, or have an RPG where the passanger seat should be.

"Famed" blogger,

Marketing Words

By education I am clued in to this topic. I have a BA degree in Marketing. It’s also known as a BS in BS. I hate sales and marketing for one reason. It’s all a lie. It’s like telling Oprah she’s hot. Today’s marketing word of the day is “Professional”. I see it all over the place. Professional: Hockey player, hair stylist, driver, child painter. Well I don’t know about the last one. Let’s not forget too that we’ve all heard the phrase, “Trust me, I’m a professional.” What does that really mean? It means that whatever it’s referring to is your designated profession. What does that mean? That means it’s what you get paid to do. It doesn’t denote quality, training or qualification. It means that you got a buck to do it. When have we as Americans failed to see this? Were we too busy being pre-approved or something to not put two and two together? I heard the other day that whatever it was should be ‘left to the professionals’. Don’t be fooled. If they use this word in front of they’re title they probably shouldn’t be trusted, especially if they offer a “Free Estimate”. What’s an estimate? A Guess. Do you really get a deal if your guess is free? No! Who pays for a guess!?! “I could guess but it will cost you.” If you ever run into a “Professional Estimator” Shoot him in the head. The world will be better off.

To put this in the simplest terms, if someone says they’re a “Professional Coital Engineer” they’re really just a hooker. Be smart!

“famed” blogger,

The soda was gross enough.

From the makers of Nicorette comes Jolt gum. Now get TMJ disorder in 8 minutes flat. First there was coffee, then came soda, then came red bull now this? Why not just try sleeping?

Bright ideas...

Ever wonder why the kids at your school don’t trust you? Ever wonder why they run away screaming? Where do you even get a Viking helmet and mask? Dork….

It's the great pumpkin Charlie Brown!

Did Charlie Brown ever see the great pumpkin? At one of my routine deliveries I saw this one and one buried behind it that was twice as large as the one shown here. To give you some sort of reference the pallet it’s sitting on is four feet wide. What does a casino need with pumpkins that large?

Tit For Tat.

I’ve had a rant brewing for a few days now. I haven’t had a chance to put pen to paper on it until now. That is to say now that it has fully ripened. I don’t rant too often but when I do it’s usually something about a topic/event that is wholly inconsequential to anyone but me. North Korea has the bomb, the Muslims are out to kill us, and Canada inches ever closer to an invasion yet none of these have pricked my mind in such a way as to make it itch and fester into a rant. Instead, I’m going to rant about my nipples. All week long I’ve been cursing the fate of my chesticles. It started about a year ago when I was playing ball with my dog and through the miracle of the fake out he lunged for the ball, missed it and chomped down dead on my nipple. I did post it on here shortly after it happened. I thought or rather prayed that that would be the only time my nipples would come under attack. I was wrong. I lived in peace for months until this past spring. It was a warm sunny day when I exited my vehicle. It was a tight parking space requiring me to stay close to the car. As I closed my car door the corner of the door came just close enough… You know why a lightning rod is put on top of a building? It’s because it will strike the closest object. As happens quite often I got a static shock from my car door. What are the odds that the corner of door would pass my nipple just in time to release a static discharge? Needless to say I flinched, enough to break the mirror of the Honda next to me. There was no damage to the nipple. Not that it really matters. The male nipple is like the French. They think they’re more important than they really are. The most recent however has me furious and frightened at the same time. A fella I was working with tossed me a package at work and I caught it where? In the nipple of course. Not in the general area. Not even close like horse shoes and hand grenades. It was dead on with precision that GPS couldn’t even match. I was worried that the military would show up shortly after and inquire into the make of the guidance system. Oh the pain, oh the torment. WHY! Why do my nipples take such abuse? Normal people stub their toes or lose a finger to an angry beaver! Why my nipples? I suppose it’s a good thing I have the name I do. One-nipple Jared doesn’t roll off the tongue like One-nipple Lou or Nick The-nipple-less (that almost sounds Greek). At one point in my life did that fates in the universe decide that this was my penance? What did I do to deserve this kind of Karmic retribution? Yes I’ve kicked a cat or ten in my life but I always leave the toilet seat down. I know most of you know what I look like but for those of you who don’t just know it’s me when you see a guy walking down the street with a Kevlar vest and sign that says don’t touch my nipples.

“famed” blogger,

Does Wal-Mart carry these?

I wasn’t sure where to go with this picture, but I knew I had to take a picture and share it. No one would believe me if I told them I saw a purse like this one. I asked her if she gets asked out a lot. She looked kind of confused and asked, “What do you mean?”

Form your own conclusions.

“Famed” blogger,

Election Season Coverage

The benefit of having a DVR on my satellite is that I don’t have to listen to political ads on TV anymore. It’s really a blessing because during the presidential election of 04 I developed an eye twitch over all the nonsensical “battleground” commercials. During the current midterm elections I’m able to enjoy my shows without wanting to climb a water tower, rifle in hand, over the same sort of commercials. Being so I ALMOST missed this little nugget of information. I found out that the position of Walworth County Coroner (you know…dead people) is an elected position. Sit with that one for a moment. The whole purpose of an election is to democratically appoint a person to a position to properly reflect the views of the constituency. Is that really necessary in the position of County Coroner? What kind of platform is he running on? What do his commercials sound like?
“On November 4 as you go to the polls to elect a Coroner remember me, John Winklemeyer. My opponent molests the dead and has tea parties with the corpses dressed as the Village People. So vote for the candidate who won’t molest your dead!”

“Good afternoon! I’m Kyle Sneed and I’m running for County Coroner. John Winklemeyer has spread lies about my adult onset necrophilia. It’s just that I care too much. It’s a good sort of flaw. My family values have been my moral compass in my career and I hope that you give me the opportunity to share them with the deceased. I also think John Winklemeyer might be a vampire. Vote for me on November 4.”

My crack research staff, at my request, investigated this situation and we found that the fella serving as Walworth County Coroner has been in office since 1960. At the age of 71 (soon to require his own services) he’s run unopposed in all but a few elections. Does that really surprise you? His age begs the question of how old is too old to perform autopsies? I would imagine it’s when you can’t tell the difference between doctor and corpse, but hey, more power to him. I just think it would be fun to run against him just for the debates.

“Famed” Blogger,

To my little sister

Last weekend my sister and now brother-in-law were married. I wasn’t able to give them some advice that I thought might help them as they settle down into married life. If it’s one thing I’ve learned from Home Improvement or the Red Green show is that women appreciate a handy guy. Being able to get things done around the house is important. So Josh, if the need arises to turn a dish washer into a snow blower just buy her a shovel.

“Famed” (single) blogger,